Bawdy Language

A sexual reference book like no other
Everything you always wanted to do but were afraid to say

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While in England catching up on old friends—most of who have long since shucked off this mortal coil —I was in close contact with Kate Middleton’s OBGYN. He shared with me ultra-sound images of the Royal Fetus who, in turn, was kind enough to grant me a confidential interview which I am now privileged to share with you and the world.

royal baby, kate and william


DCB: Good morning your – ahem—I’m not exactly sure how I should address you

RF: Your Royal Fetus would be fine.

DCB: Is that fetus or foetus?

RF: How the bloody ‘ell should I know. It’s not like I have access to the Oxford English Dictionary down here.

DCB: Be that as it may. How are you doing, your royal whatever-you- hope- to -be?

RF: A bit cold and clammy and somewhat hemmed in down here, but otherwise jolly well. Don’t get out very much you know.

DCB: Are you excited to be of royal heritage?

RF: Yes, I was just chatting with a stray sperm the other day and he noted how one sharp turn and va-voom you end up in the gut of a scullery maid. As fate would have it, however, it looks like I have a pretty good life cut out for me.

DCB: The media is going just gag-ga over you. How does it feel to be the subject of so much speculation?

RF: As a sentient being, it’s pretty cool to have done nothing and already be a celebrity, but from what I understand that’s true about most other celebrities as well.

DCB: What gives with your Mom being rushed to the hospital for her hpermesis gravidarum?

RF: Not to worry. Members of the royal house get to do that in Latin which cushions the blow nicely. While the great unwashed herd of humanity suffers with that suck-ass morning sickness causing them to barf, upchuck, spew their guts up, puke, wuff their cookies, do a technicolor yawn, and produce some pavement pizza.

DCB: Are you looking forward to your coming out?

RF: That’s a truly dumb-ass question. What the fuck do you think?

DCB: Any plans for your first days?

RF: Disneyland, The Colbert Report, and lunch with Hillary Clinton. If the truth be known, what I most look forward to is supping at the royal breasts. Let’s drink to that.

DCB: That I will. Thank you very much Your Royal Foetus with an “o.”
RF: It’s my pleasure. See you in the tabloids.

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