Bawdy Language

A sexual reference book like no other
Everything you always wanted to do but were afraid to say

Dr. Bawdy's counseling is wholly provided for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for qualified medical advice from a licensed healthcare professional. If you're dumb enough to take it, you'll just have to suffer the consequences.

Side effects may include bloated retina, collapsed vagina, anal rash, nasal drip, and double vision. Contact an emergency room psychologist for an erection lasting longer than 20 seconds.

Any further questions regarding individual circumstances should be directed towards your general practitioner/pharmacist/veterinarian. As to any contemplated legal action, tell your lawyer that Dr. Bawdy says he should simply "Fuck off!"

Posts for Sexual Advice Column: Ask Dr. Bawdy


Dear Dr. Bawdy,

I recently saw an ad on Craigslist looking for a FWB. I asked my wife what that meant. She shrugged her shoulders and mumbled something about a “Friend with benefits.” She didn’t say much more; finished washing the dinner dishes, opened a box of diet chocolates, and sat down to watch Oprah.

Thought about it a while and decided it sounded like a neat arrangement.

I’ve got lots of friends but I never received any benefits from them.

How exactly do I get a friend like that?

What exactly are the benefits? And what, if anything, do I have to do to receive them?

___ Friendly Guy, Whipsaw, AK

Dear Friendly Guy,

You ask very good questions. You must be a profound thinker.

There are two distinct types of FWB relationships. Type 1 is for kids in their teens, 20’s and 30s. Type 2, for those over 40 and who should know better. Type 1 entails just fucking around; letting the hormones do their thing and letting the good times roll. It’s also called “hooking up,” “booty calls,” “NSA” (no strings attached), and “casual sex.”

Sex for kids is a fun workout of sorts—and has absolutely nothing to do with long-range goals or commitments. At that age, a good fuck buddy (Think exercise partner at the gym) or playing nimble fingers in the privacy of your room should meet your basic needs.

FWB for those over 40 is something altogether different. Your situation fits Type 2. Type 2 Friendship is more like a business proposition. Each party brings something concrete to the relationship and in turn, gets something back.

___ Celestial Bawdy

Example of a Happy Type 2 FWB Relationship

Dear Dr. Bawdy,

I asked my wife to tell me more, but she was busy doing her toenails and couldn’t be bothered. I tried the Google thing but wasn’t quite sure where to put the questions into the internet tube. Could you please help me out?

Do the benefits include healthcare? I need new dentures. Are they included under the coverage?

___ Friendly Guy


Dear Friendly Guy,

Let me be as blunt as possible. You pay the woman money (or take her out, go on vacation with her, or buy her whatever tickles her fancy). This makes you her friend. She then spreads her legs for you, and showers you with other sexual goodies.

___ Celestial Bawdy

Dear Dr. Bawdy,

I thought that was like a sex slave kind of thing, and isn’t that illegal? I always obey the law, especially at intersections and would never even jay-walk.

___ Friendly Guy

Only in your Dreams

Dear Friendly Guy,

That’s harsh. Wash your mouth out! A good female friend is different—she’s selective about her customers—I mean, friends–and besides, she usually limits the number to just one or two.

What’s the big deal, anyway? All sex is nothing more than a transaction. You support your wife and she has sex with you to show her appreciation. You get anal sex. She gets new drapes for the living room. That’s why they’re called “sexual favors.” You do a favor for her, and she does one for you in return.

Think of your new friend as a wife of sorts, but with none of the fuss and bother associated with marriage. You don’t have to go shopping with her, carry out the garbage, or make believe you are actually interested in her or her hair-brained ideas. If you’re single, you can stay that way and not worry about ever having to make a commitment to either her or to yourself.

The best part of FWB relationships is that they don’t last. They’re like Kleenex—when things get too messy—you simply dispose of it.… Now I ask you, does it get any better than that?

___ Celestial Bawdy

Up, Up, and Away

Dear Dr. Bawdy,

Where do I sign up?

___ Friendly Guy

By the way, you never answered my question about whether the benefits include coverage for my dentures. And, how many weeks paid vacation do I get, and what about maternity leave? Is this like Obama-Care? I hate Obama. If he has anything to do with this, count me out.

Dear Friendly Guy,

It depends on how much you’ve paid into the plan. The benefits generally always come as surprise to both parties. Try it… You’ll like it. Not to worry about Obama. FWB has been endorsed by the Tea Party.

___ Celestial Bawdy

Dear Dr. Bawdy,

Wow! That is so neat. I’m gonna tell my wife about this. I’m sure she’d like to try this too.

___ Friendly Guy


Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy –

Problems with sex and language? Write Dr. Bawdy with your problems. He stands ready to be of service to you. In fact, he lives for it.

doctor bawdy advise

Dear Dr. Bawdy,
My wife and I haven’t done the deed in years. Memories of sex are beginning to fade fast. Not knowing what else to do, I asked my son to take me to a prostitute. He's agreed and I'm ready and rarin' to go.

Unfortunately, I don't know how to speak prostitute-ise. I feel like a visitor to a foreign country. Could you provide me with a few key phrases and tips for how I should express myself?

— Hung Up, Edina, MN

doctor Bawdy advicedoctor Bawdy advice

Dear Hung-Up,

The language is quite basic. You have simply to master the following:

"Leave it on top of the dresser."

"We take Visa, MC and Amex."

"Prices are subject to change without notice."

"We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone."

"You show me yours… "

"What’ll you have?"

"Do not try this at home."

And "That’ll be extra."

A proper response to any of the above should consist of no more than a simple snort or grunt of approval.

Do not ask, "How’s tricks?"

If she should inquire as to "Paper or plastic?" chances are, you are in the wrong place.

Looking for more sound advice? Write Dr. Bawdy with your problems. Bawdy is the world's foremost authority on sex—says he.

Dear Dr. Bawdy,

When I asked my husband today why he doesn’t do “IT” more often, he simply shrugged his shoulders, got up from the kitchen table and took the garbage out. What am I doing or saying wrong?

— IT Girl, Waukegan, WI
doctor Bawdy advice

Dear IT Girl,

You and your husband are hampered by a limited venereal vocabulary. It’s time you finally got with IT , to say nothing of also getting over IT — if you know what I mean. There are thousands of words for IT which better convey what you mean and what you are looking for. Start by purchasing several copies of our good book. Study IT religiously. Apply its principles, and I can guarantee that you will never have trouble with IT again.

Looking for more sound advice? Write Dr. Bawdy with your problems. Dr. Bawdy is the world’s foremost authority on sex—says he.

PART 1 Part 2

advice from Dr. Bawdyadvice from Dr. Bawdy

advice from Dr. Bawdyadvice from Dr. Bawdy

advice from Dr. Bawdy


Congratulations my lad, on the new addition to your family!
Say hello to your new penis. You say you already have a penis. Agreed, but it’s nothing like this one. This is the new and improved model, with features you have never experienced before. This is penis 12.0, or as some like to call it, “Your penis on steroids.” And this, my dear boy, is your User’s Manual.

Basic Operating Principles:
Your Penis has a mind of its own.
It does not know right from wrong.
advice from Dr. Bawdy

The Plague of the Young Penis

Most penises this age suffer from Inattention Anxiety Disorder (IAD). This can cause him to act out in public, engaging in uppity and unruly behavior. This is no trifling matter. An aggressive young penis can ruin your relationships with others. The answer to IAD is a happy, well-adjusted penis, which is where you come in. It is your job to insure that he is happy, well balanced, and worn out.

Continue – Advice to the Newly Pubescent Male – Part 2

Advice to the Newly Pubescent Male – Part 1

Housebreaking your penis

Housebreaking your penis is not the easiest thing in the world. It takes time, patience, and perseverance. It’s not something that happens overnight. Remember, your penis doesn’t have much self-control, penises vary in volatility. No matter how diligent you are, accidents will happen.

advice from Dr. Bawdy
  • Create a setting for your penis in which he feels safe and comfortable and in which you can properly supervise him. His regular habitat should be a proper nestling place, such as warm briefs or boxer shorts, unsoiled and in which he can feel relaxed and uninhibited, hang about and just be himself.
  • Provide him with ample opportunity for play. How would you feel confined in a constricted dark space for most of your waking hours, shut off from fresh, cool air and the light of day? Be sure and give him plenty of exercise. A run in the park with other penises is a good start in helping to keep him happy and stimulated.
  • Designate a specific spot and a time for one-on-one penis play. This spot should be private and free of distractions. He most appreciates your full and undivided attention during this special time between you two. Make sure to provide your penis with some appealing playthings and stimulating activities to help hold his interest. Joint visualization can do wonders for your relationship and enhance the bonding process.
advice from Dr. Bawdy
  • Be fully prepared for these private tete a tetes. Must-have items include several boxes of kleenex, extra pairs of socks, a fresh bed sheet, screen-clean a soft cloth for your monitor, a glove for your mouse, and plastic sheeting for your keyboard. He does have a tendency to get a bit rambunctious and out of hand during these times. It is important that you contain his exuberance; hence the supplies
  • Early interactive socialization of your penis with people is important. He is new to people and their prompts. Learn to give him a “hurry up” command, especially when you hear a knock on the door and the query, “What are you doing in there?” Eventually, your penis will become conditioned to retreat when hearing this phrase.
  • What to do if he has an accident? Talk firmly but gently with him. He feels as bad about it as you do. He doesn’t handle guilt very well. Show some understanding. It’s your responsibility for not having properly supervised him.
  • Practice Behavior modification. When your penis behaves properly and acts in a restrained and orderly fashion, reward him with a gentle pat or two and a “Good penis!” said as if you truly mean it. Praise him warmly and enthusiastically. Conversely, scold him in a firm but non-retributive manner when he slips up, “Bad Penis!” It may take an occasional whack across the snout to get his full attention, but he’ll soon get the message.

The general rule of penisdom is patience at all times.. He simply doesn’t know any better. Your job is to help show him the way, to introduce him to the ways of the world and whatever else he needs to become happy, well balanced, and social. You are the boss of him, and not the other way around.

From the desk of Dr. Bawdy and the website that's the last word on sex:

Dear Dr. Bawdy,

On your suggestion, my girl friend and I tried that oral sex thing out the other night. What a bummer! I came in her ear, and she couldn’t hear a word for the entire next week. What am I doing wrong?

— Orally Challenged, Pettysville, MI

doctor Bawdy advicedoctor Bawdy advice

Dear Orally Challenged,

You have confused oral sex with otic sex. Get the wax out of your ears, buddy, and get with the program. Take a Q-tip from me. The Bawdy Language approach may suck but it’s still the universal tongue of couples worldwide.

doctor Bawdy advice
Looking for more sound advice? Write Dr. Bawdy with your problems. Dr. Bawdy is the world's foremost authority on sex—says he.

Dear Dr. Bawdy,

My husband and I have given names to our private parts. Is that normal?

— Encyclopedist, Webster Grove, MO

doctor Bawdy advicedoctor Bawdy advice

Dear Encyclopedist,

Absolutely! And you have a wide range of possibilities to select from. What you call them, however, should reflect their unique talents

Included among my favorite couples are: Emmy and Oscar, Tristan and Isolde, Fred and Ginger, Arthur and Guinevere, Homer, and Marge, and Fred and Wilma.

You can also name them for forces in the culture such as “Third Wave” and “Information age” or for particular attributes for which they are best known. I call my penis affectionately, “Pride.” After all is said and done, the one thing I am still left with is my pride… Please send my best to Punch and Judy.

Looking for more sound advice? Write Dr. Bawdy with your problems. Dr. Bawdy is the world's foremost authority on sex—says he.