Bawdy Language

A sexual reference book like no other
Everything you always wanted to do but were afraid to say

Dr. Bawdy's counseling is wholly provided for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for qualified medical advice from a licensed healthcare professional. If you're dumb enough to take it, you'll just have to suffer the consequences.

Side effects may include bloated retina, collapsed vagina, anal rash, nasal drip, and double vision. Contact an emergency room psychologist for an erection lasting longer than 20 seconds.

Any further questions regarding individual circumstances should be directed towards your general practitioner/pharmacist/veterinarian. As to any contemplated legal action, tell your lawyer that Dr. Bawdy says he should simply "Fuck off!"

Archive for August, 2013




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Shot by an anarchist while standing on a Brussels railway station, The Prince of Wales utters the immortal words, “Fuck it, I’ve taken a bullet.”



Music hall comedian Hector Thaxter becomes the first man to say “Arse” on the radio.


After cutting food rations as part of a new economic drive, Chancellor Hugh Dalton is accosted by a beggar in the street who says, “You bloody bastard! What am I meant to do, eat shit?”


Interviewed live on BBC News, a British teddy boy is asked his opinion of Bill Haley. He replies, “Haley? I wouldn’t piss on him if he went up in flames. I’m an Elvis man meself.”


Appearing on a late night live satire programme called BBC3, Kenneth Tynan becomes the first man to say “Fuck” on TV. A national fit of apoplexy follows with one Tory MP suggesting that Tynan should hang!


After watching an episode of “Till Death Us Do Part” that includes 44 uses of the word “BLOODY”, Mary Whitehouse fumes, “This is the end of civilisation as we know it.”


Buzz Aldrin becomes the first man to swear on the moon “Bloody hell,” he tells Neil Armstrong, “I’ve just taken a shit in my space suit.”


Oxford English Dictionary includes the words “FUCK” and “CUNT” for the first time. The National Campaign for Real Swearing issues a statement which reads: “We’d be a bunch of lying cunts if we didn’t say that we were totally fucking delighted.”


Originating from the Australian “Nasty as Fuck”, the word NAFF is introduced to the British public via Ronnie Barker in Porridge. As in “Naff off Godber!” However the expression looses its appeal when Princess Anne starts using it.


On tour in Hong Kong and unaware that he is miked up, The Duke of Edinburgh tells a photographer  “Fuck off or I’ll have you shot.” 

The moral majority get into a proper old lather after Steve Jones of the Sex Pistols appears on live TV and calls presenter Bill Grundy “A fucking rotter”.


A Bar steward at a Conservative Club in Middlesex is sacked after greeting a club member with the words, “All right, you fucking old bastard, we haven’t seen you for fucking ages!” He is later ruled to have been unfairly dismissed on the grounds that his words “were just a form of greeting”.


British Leyland workers begin their so-called swearing strike after one of the top brass describes them as, “fucking bastards and fucking working-class pigs”.


Jools Holland lets slip with the phrase “Groovy fuckers” on a live broadcast of The Tube and is suspended for six weeks. 
A Pakistani umpire calls Mike Gatting “a fucking cheating bastard” during a Test Match.


Female golfer Muffin Spencer-Devlin is banned from a top ladies tournament after calling officials, “A fucking bunch of incontinent wankers!”.


Rev. Ian Gregory, secretary of The Polite Society, proposes that existing swear-words are banished and replaced with “nice words like ‘breadstick’ and ‘cotton socks’”. A spokesman for The National Campaign for Real Swearing responds by saying “The good reverend can go and fuck himself!”.


Pete Sampras, the world’s top male tennis player, shouts at the Wimbledon crowd, “Thank you very much, you mother fuckers!” 

A Briton in Saudi Arabia is sentenced to 40 lashes after telling a member of his staff to, “Stuff it up your fat arse you old wanker”. 

Boston grunge band, The Anal Cunts, release their first single.


Annoyed at the constant chattering of children during a performance of “Macbeth” at a Manchester theatre, actor Paul Higgins strides to the front of the stage and bellows, “Shut the fuck up or I’ll rip your fucking heads off!”


Students hackers tinker with the digital storage system at Britain’s first talking bus stop in Leeds, with the result that a queue of passengers expecting a recorded timetable are greeted with the words, “Fuck off and walk you lazy bastards”.


With the advent of Channel 4’s “Bremner, Bird, & Fortune” and “The Eleven O’clock Show”, all known swear words are finally used openly, in entertainment television.
The National Campaign For Real Swearing comments About fucking time too!

By Dr. Bawdy and Laughingpoliceman

Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy –


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The Straight Up-and-Up

Tired of the  daily  grind  (19th–20thC), bored  with  doing  the  hori- zontalize (c. 1845)?  Not  to worry. We’ve  got more  ways  of doing it than Heinz  has  pickles;  more flavors than Baskin-Robbins. Why settle  for just vanilla sex  (1990s)?

You can  try  it nestled together spoon  fashion  (19thC), or,  if you’re really game, attempt a perpendicular (mid 19thC), also known  as an  upright  grand  (c. 1925).  It’s nothing more  than the old  three-penny bit (late  18th–20thC)—what the girls on the cor- ner once  featured as their standing bargain.

Though  a somewhat shaky  proposition, your standard knee- tembler (c. 1860),  otherwise known  as a quickie (20thC), was the perfect  answer to the man  on the run.  Ever a favorite  of the pros,  it has  failed to catch  on at home.  According  to Kinsey,  only four per- cent of married woman say that  they would  stand for it.


Impatient to get on with it? You might try having a dog’s  mar- riage  (19thC)  or  making a  dog’s  match   of  it  (19th–20thC)— doing it by the  wayside, down  and  dirty.  It, however, just  might take  longer  than you  think.  Dogs  have  been  known  to  be  linked together for hours on  end  after  the  sexual act.  The penis swells, and  the  muscles of the  female  contract, locking  the  penis within; thus  insuring that  not till death will they part.

It’s a  tough  act  to  follow,  but  you  could  possibly  try doing a dog’s  rig (mid  18th–19thC), defined  by  Grose  as  “sexual inter- course to exhaustion followed by back-to-back indifference.”

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In what state “you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled while having sex”?
– answer – North Carolina



Dumb Laws in Virginia – “Not only is it illegal to have sex with the lights on, one may not have sex in any position other than missionary.”

Lawmakers in Indonesia are considering a new criminal code that would make unmarried couples having sex illegal, with a penalty of up to five years in jail.

Stupid Laws from Florida – “Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal”. “It is considered an offense to shower naked”. “Oral sex is illegal”. “You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.”


New York – “A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking “at a woman in that way.” A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a “pair of horse-blinders” wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll”.

In Dyersburg, Tennessee, it is illegal for a lady to call a gentleman for a date. Clearly no one in that town is getting laid!

In Washington State, it’s totally legal to eff an animal like an animal, as long as it weighs less than 40 lbs. What, fatty farm pets don’t deserve some love?

The biggest internet porn consuming state, Utah, gets freaky in their laws too. Sex with an animal is totally cool, unless you’re doing it for cold hard cash! Hey, why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free!

While most would argue that this is place where the people get screwed many different ways, in Washington D.C., engaging in any sexual position other than missionary is illegal.

Dr. Bawdy was able to stand it till he was totally smashed and pissed off by Texas’s law – “The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home”.

Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy –

Another dirty word – the ASS


The ass  is a dependable part that  holds  up its end of things.  As the seat  (19thC), it certainly knows  its place.

It would  be wrong, however, to think  it just rests  there.  This is a hard-working part  that  quietly  goes  about its business at  the  ori- fice,  functioning as  the  shithole  (19thC), the  brown  bucket (20thC), the dirt road  (early 20thC), and  the poop-chute (20thC). However, there’s little recognition paid its work, and  no more insulting a remark  than being called  “a fucking asshole.” Nothing personal, it’s just  one  person’s opinion, and  as  Dirty  Harry  Calla han   (Clint  Eastwood) reminded  us  in  The  Dead  Pool  (1988), “Opinions are like assholes; everybody has  one.”

Getting Off One’s Ass

The  entire  experience proved  so  puzzling, some  could  no  longer locate  what  they  were  looking  for. They  looked  to  the  backside (16thC), the  posterior (c.  1614),  the  rear  end  (c.  1920s)  or the behind (described in the  OED  as  something “in the  rear  of any- thing moving” or “the rear part of a person or garment”).

Not  knowing  where  else  to turn,  they  came  up  with  the  lower back  (late  19thC). Things  were  now  desperate. In  1912,  British papers recorded news  from South  Africa of a certain Lord Methuen who  had  been  wounded in  the  fleshy part  of  the  thigh.  Most thought this  all  very  ass   backward (or  bass  ackward, both 20thC), a somewhat strange expression used  to describe something that’s  askew  or out  of sync.  So too  with  the  expression itself,  ass- forward being a much  more accurate description of the condition.

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bawdy crossword


It’s not unusual to insult people by identifying them with their body parts. Calling someone a prick is a commonplace insult, but we reserve use of the expression for males of a particular character, and not for men in general. Cunt, on the other hand, is not only a term filled with contempt and disdain, but it is applied indiscriminately, regardless of the person’s character, insulting not only the person toward whom the remark is aimed, but all women everywhere.


Words Fail

Man has not only spoken ill of the cunt but has also described it in glowingly romantic terms. According to Karen Horney, the noted psychiatrist, this makes very good sense. Both approaches reflect man’s deep-seated dread of the female genitalia; each in a different way helps allay this fear. By making little of the cunt, he convinces himself that there is nothing to fear from so mean an object. Through its idealization he insures the unlikelihood of harm from so divine a being.

And we have no shortage of superlatives to describe it. We have everything from the dearest bodily part (Shakespeare) to the best part (Earl of Dorset), the best in Christendom (Rochester), and la belle chose (Chaucer). For some, it’s been just plain out of this world — as in heaven (18thC).



Yet that  nagging  fear  is always  there  beneath the  surface. It’s also  been  sheer hell  (18thC)  and  a  devilish thing  (18thC);  so much  so that  many  would  dispense with the  entire  matter by put- ting the Devil into  hell  (18thC).

Some  reserved judgment, as  did  John  Donne with  the  best- worst part. Others  extolled  it as a masterpiece and  featured it prominently as  the  star  (16thC), depicted ofttimes  as  pretty- pretty  (17thC)  and  indescribably quaint, as in Chaucer’s “Miller’s Tale”: “Full prively he caught her by the queinte.”3

At its lowest,  this cloven stamp of female distinction (18thC) has  been  reduced to a suck-and-swallow, a man  (or fool)  trap, a butter  boat,  an oystercracker, and  sperm-sucker (19thC). At the same  time, it’s been  elevated to a position of power as the control- ling  part (19thC)  and  the regulator (late 18thC–19thC).

It’s almost  as though they forgot its more mundane functions as the  water  box  (19thC), or streamstown (c. 1820–90), the  gener- ating  or brat-getting place (19thC), the nursery, and  the bath  of birth (early 20thC).

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Yes, sex cures everything….


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