Bawdy Language

A sexual reference book like no other
Everything you always wanted to do but were afraid to say

Dr. Bawdy's counseling is wholly provided for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for qualified medical advice from a licensed healthcare professional. If you're dumb enough to take it, you'll just have to suffer the consequences.

Side effects may include bloated retina, collapsed vagina, anal rash, nasal drip, and double vision. Contact an emergency room psychologist for an erection lasting longer than 20 seconds.

Any further questions regarding individual circumstances should be directed towards your general practitioner/pharmacist/veterinarian. As to any contemplated legal action, tell your lawyer that Dr. Bawdy says he should simply "Fuck off!"

Archive for September, 2013

Enjoy new Bawdy Crossword every Monday.

bawdy crossword


It’s obviously time  to ask  for the  facilities, the  lavatory (or the abbreviated lav)—an old nineteenth-century word from the Latin lavatorium, “a place for washing.”  Hoping   to  disguise   your   mission,  you might  request the  place where you  cough (c.  1920).  Speaking more  directly,  the  shithouse  (19thC), the  can  (c.  1900),  or  the head. Why  the head, when  “tail” is more appropriate? It could  be from the  manner with  which  many  relate  to authoritya political statement of sorts.  Or,  as  is more  likely,  from  the  location of the ship’s facilities—in the “bulkhead.”



When all is said  and  done,  most  Americans need  room  to do it. Today’s  favorites  include washrooms (c. 1878),  bathrooms (c. 1850s),  from a time  when  the  necessary fixtures  joined  the  bath, and  powder-rooms. The  little girl’s  room  (c. 1940s)  is still with us today,  though its counterpart, the  little boy’s  room,  is seldom referred  to. Dual-room names continue to dominate the  landscape of restaurants nationwide: His  ’n’ Hers,  Gents and  Ladies, Gulls and  Buoys, Lads and  Lassies, and  Braves and  Squaws (Ugh!).

Many  prefer  the  restroom. But  if you  asked  for it in England, your  hosts  would  likely point  out  the  cloak-room or show  you  to the  bedroom. Perhaps you  thought yourself  couth by  not  asking for the  toilet (c.  1820s–30s), or one  of its  mutant off-spring  the toidy or  toy-toy  (20thC), but  the  toilet still  works  fine  there among  the  working-class.The toilet  derives  from  the  French toilette, the  diminutive of toile, the  cloth  once  covering  the  table  on which sat one’s preparations, making  it all very acceptable.

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It was easy for the Church to convince people that sex was a dirty business. Reinforced by the proximity of the sexual parts to, and their close association with, the process of elimination of waste, it was only a matter of time before sex came to be identified with the elimination process—a way of transferring from one individual to another such waste matter as may have accumulated in one’s body.

Inter faeces et urinem nascimur.
We are born between fees and urine.
—St. Augustine

Church authorities loved the image. It was perfect. Man eliminated into woman, and her vagina was the repository for his filth. This even sanctioned the role the prostitute played, likening her to a common sewer who helping carry away man’s garbage. Chaucer’s Parson wrote of whores “that must be likened to a common gong (a toilet) where men purged their ordure.”

The theme was picked up in the language. Especially popular during the 1930s was the practice of getting one’s ashes hauled.11 A not unnatural thing, for when fires are raging, ashes are the natural residue. Someone has to remove them. After all, neatness counts, even in sex. It’s another bond between sexual release and personal hygiene.

You’ll find variations of this in contemporary blues songs, with references to how my garbage can is overflowing and requests to please empty my trash. We speak of sex as easing oneself (20thC), and doing one’s business (20thC). Some even refer to it as number three (20thC), an apparent also-ran behind numbers one and two, pissing and shitting respectively.

Hundreds of years after Chaucer’s Parson, a boy in Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar described his first sexual experience with a whore being “as boring as going to the toilet.” Phillip Wylie in Opus 21 recounts how books of advice for young men attaining the age of desire sought to dissuade them from seeking the company of prostitutes. They employed not the toilet but the bathtub to make their point, asking indignantly, “Would you walk into a cheap hotel, find that the stranger before you had left the tub filled with dirty bath water, and immerse yourself in it?”

Sex is great, but it’s really difficult to keep it clean.

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Enjoy new Bawdy Crossword every Monday.

bawdy crossword


Let one and all know that the fly on the wall at the secret meeting between Putin and Obama was none other than yours truly, the honorable Celestial Bawdy. I am privileged to report that a key part of the recent agreement between the two leaders was a secret pact called “Macho is Mucho.” This secret pact centered on which of the two leaders had the most sexual charisma.


The one winning the contest would exercise leverage over the other when it came to determining the terms of the Syrian disarmament. After an arm wrestling challenge and a poker game, each had their penis assessed by an independent authority, the world-renowned penisologist, Dr. Hans On of the Viagra Institute in Oslo. After fully assessing all key factors, including length, girth, beauty marks, and precision of circumcision, he came to the conclusion that both pricks were equal in every important regard.

Dairy authority Dmitri Vasilovich was the judge of the man-boob evaluation. The results are still pending, but it appears that Putin is headed for a 32 C cup; having been inspired by a young lady who flashed him a few months ago in the Netherlands ( See picture). Independent evaluators from the UN are concerned that Putin secretly visited Silicon Valley last month for implants. Russian authorities deny this, calling such allegations “malicious slander characteristic of the flat-chested imperialists.”
Reports are now circulating that Putin has challenged Obama to a “Fuck-Off.” This is a Russian tradition dating back several hundred years in which contestants are dropped off in a whore house for 24 hours, given a box of condoms, a bottle of Evian and told to have sex with as many women in the house as possible in the course of one day. The one with the highest score wins. No to worry. Either way, the world gets fucked!


Signing off from Moscow, this is your official fly on the wall and the last word on sex wherever and whenever it is happening—the one, the only, Dr. Celestial Bawdy. Others may work for world peace, but it’s only I who truly know how to get a piece.

Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy – Bawdy News


Enjoy more Quotes from the library of Dr. Bawdy

The first affair  occurred when  man  discovered the  wifely function was  to raise  a family  and  administer the  household, but  for pure pleasure and  excitement he had  to look elsewhere.


The  Old  Testament sanctioned such  activity  with  the  concubine(from  the  Latin  concubitus, “lying  together”), who  was  to serve  as  a man’s  consort on  a regular  and  exclusive basis.  Man later broke the monogamy with his mistress, inamorata, or paramour (14thC, originally  two  words,  par and  amour,  hence “being in love through or by sexual love”), though there  was a time when  it described spiritual love,  as  in  the  medieval poem  where Mary  spoke  of Jesus  as  “myne  own  dere  sonne and  paramour.” On a less  lofty plane, she  became his sparerib, side  dish, tackle (17thC), and  flame.

Verbally,  she  always  did  far better  than the  wife. The  wife was relegated to  a  conveniency  (17th–19thC), an  ordinary (17th–20thC), a  comfortable  (17th–20thC), and,  at  times,  an  impudence (17th–20thC). It was  conceded on occasion that  she  was  a necessary, but  that  term,  along  with a convenience, also  referred to a water  closet, putting her in somewhat less than distinguished company. The mistress, though at times  deemed peculiar (17th–19thC), has  always  been  his  natural and his pure (both 17th–19thC) and — when counted among  the very best—his purest pure (17thC).

But it’s been  downhill ever since.  When man  started playing  for keeps, she  became a  kept   woman  (18th–20thC) and  he,  her keeper, leaving  us with images  of a caged  female  held  at bay with chair  and  whip.  Her  glory faded  further  with  the  appellation, a wife  in watercolors (c. 1780–1840), “like their  enjoyments, easily effaced  or dissolved.” Her  slide  continued as  the  brazen hussy, finally  hitting  rock  bottom in  the  twentieth century as  the  other woman and  a little on the side.

Faithfully Yours

Conjugal infidelity  is not  a  subject you  casually fool  around with  (mid  20thC). To be caught cheating (20thC)  is unspeakable and  a  topic  of criminal conversation  (19thC). Some  even  dare call it treason (17thC), fleshly treason, or smock treason


Most  adults prefer  practicing adultery, but  even  with  practice it’s still hardly  adult  behavior—in fact, it’s not even adolescent. “Adult” and  “adolescent” both  derive  from the  Latin ad and  alere, “to  nourish or  raise  toward  maturity.” Adultery, on  the  other hand, comes  from  ad  and  alterare,  “to  change into  something else,”  as  to  corrupt another, or from  ad  and  alterum,  “to  turn  to another.”

Currently, adultery itself  has  been  badly  corrupted. It began when  Mencken dubbed it “democracy applied to love,”  culminating in  today’s  swingers and  what  some  call  open marriage (c. 1970s).

So too with the word adult. We label more and  more of our contemporary activities adult, though they  have  become increasing puerile. It’s enough to  drive  one  to  an  adult-entertainment zone for some  adult reading matter.

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Enjoy new Bawdy Crossword every Monday.

bawdy crossword



Enjoy more Quotes from the library of Dr. Bawdy

Most people are familiar only with fuck’s violent side; few appreciate its complex character. Fuck is nature’s all-purpose word, able to express every mood and capture the tenor of every occasion.


The only thing it isn’t is simple, as with this fuckin’ business.

Given the proper inflection, the word can express an entire range of sentiments:

Confusion: What the fuck?
Despair and dismay: Fucked again, or truly fucked.
Liberation: What the fuck!
Helplessness: Fucked by the fickle finger of fate.
Concern: Doesn’t anyone give a fuck?
Surprise, dismissal, or Oneself—Fuck me!
rejection, with the help Inanimate object—Fuck it!
of various objects: Helpless creature—Fuck a duck!
Futility: What the fuck? or Who gives a fuck anyway?
Absence of meaningful Fucking around
action: or Fucking off.

Though it is anatomically imfuckingpossible, people constantly encourage others to go fuck themselves. They criticize books such as this as unfuckingbelieveable, irrefuckingsponsible, outfuckingrageous and unfuckingrespectable — though the author is just fucking with their minds. Knowing not what else to do, they offer to end the confusion by simply getting the fuck out of here.

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