Bawdy Language

Source: The Effete Intellectual Weekly, July 4, 2012, pp 3001-3031, Dr. Luigi Oblongata, University of Linguini, “The Hard Facts about IQ.” Study Subjects: 50 Mensa members, 50 truckers.

Research tools and measurements: High priced escorts, cheap street walkers, interviews and rigid application of ERS (Erection Hardness Score). To see national IQ scores and penis size: http://www.targetmap.com/viewer.aspx?reportId=4923

When does life begin? Pro-Lifers insist it’s the fetus. It must be a person; what else would he or she be doing on your cell phone? And all those likes on Facebook! Friends of the fetus no less!

Now—if we can believe our evangelical friends—the fetus has slipped to a poor second on the creationist chain.

It's been replaced by the fertilized egg which now marks the beginning of personhood. That's right—life occurs from the moment of conception no less. As a person, that little egg is entitled to the same rights we are all guaranteed under the constitution—life, liberty, and property.

Messing around with it would be nothing short of murder. And the yolk, dear reader, would be on you. Spare us the bullshit how you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet. The law is the law in egg country.

What property exactly can the egg own? If by property we mean the potential person in the egg, that makes that person, property which is—the last time I looked—outlawed in the 14th amendment to our constitution. Liberty? Does the egg have the liberty to do whatever it wishes—can it, say, apply for a credit card; take out a mortgage…date eggs of a similar gender…or volunteer to fight in Afghanistan?

Forget these deep philosophic questions. There are deeper issues. Nothing against eggs and fetuses you understand, but their supporters missed out on the true beginning of life. According to our Hebraic forefathers, it all starts with the seed, and that’s what most in need of our protection.

Early rabbinical prohibitions recognized this by curbing behavior likely to lead to masturbation—the wasting of such seed—and the killing of all those future children.

Males were advised not to touch their penis while urinating (always a somewhat tricky proposition), wear tight pants, ride horseback, have lascivious daydreams or look at one’s own member or that of another. It was also recommended that young men sleep on their side rather than face up. With all these warnings and restrictions, is it any wonder that Jewish boys aren’t any good with their hands?

So if you really care about personhood and the beginning of life, it’s time you showed the sperm proper respect and give it the protection it deserves.

What's good for the fetus and the egg is good for the sperm.

Heed the chorus in Monty Python's Meaning of Life: "Every sperm is sacred/Every sperm is great/If a sperm is wasted/God is quite irate."

In a world drowning in doubt and self despair, man's woes ultimately show themselves as nothing more than a drop in the bucket.

The future of our civilization lies within our grasp. Hands off America!

Keep up to date on the latest and greatest research on sex as compiled by Dr. Bawdy, the world’s foremost authority on the topic (Says he).

The Jesus no one knows: Husband, Father, and Lover

Sh-hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!…

Introduction

During a recent archeological dig, I chanced on an ancient dumpster. At the very bottom, I found nestled between a moldy ham and cheese sandwich and a ravaged condom—three rectangular pieces of faded papyri, each no more than 10 centimeters in length.

Drawing on my vast linguistic storehouse, I quickly determined that what I had found was fourth century Coptic. Hours of laborious translation revealed the eight lines of the first in black ink to be a partial shopping list: “Pistachios, fruit, toilet paper, and milk,” it read. “Make sure not to forget the milk.” It was signed: “To Jesus, from his loving wife and truest disciple.” Hugs and kisses, Mary M. XXX.

Could it be? Jesus, a married man and to Mary Magdalene no less! My findings set off a firestorm amongst the church fathers. Traditionalists disputed the authenticity of the papyrus and its provenance. Professor Sidney Icon, holder of the Chaste chair of Divinity at the All-Christ seminary in Poughkeepsie called the find “a cheap fake intended by Bawdy to simply promote his blog.”

The Reverend Chutney Chilworth, director of New York University’s Institute for the Study of Ancient Crap, however, championed my position, declaring the papyrus to be the find of a century and its meaning unambiguous. He told the Times, “It’s hard to construct a scenario that is at all plausible in which someone fakes something like this. The world is not really crawling with crooked papyrologists.”

You may have heard of the so-called Apocryphal gospels – these were the ones church authorities later decided were not authentic enough to include in the Bible – because they contained woman-friendly reference. They include the gospel of Thomas, and the Gnostic, heretical, gospel of Philip, discovered at Nag Hammadi in Egypt in 1945 – written in Coptic in the fourth century, both of which hinted at a Jesus marriage.

Add to the list, the Gospel According to Bawdy.

The second papyrus revealed the details of the Jesus relationship with women and with his own sexuality: Everything you always wanted to know about Jesus, The Man, The Father, The Lover.

In the Beginning

Mary and Jesus first met at a Hillel House Mixer around Succoth. The other young people there were imbibing rather heavily in Manischewitz. Jesus sat alone in a corner sipping seltzer. He was the quiet one there. Mary M always had a soft spot for cool, earthy types. And he surely was one—long hair, sandals, and that certain je ne c’est quoi of one who hadn’t bathed for weeks. Unlike a lot of the other Jewish boys, he was also good with his hands. Came from a long line of carpenters, you know. They hit it off from the start.

Mary was “a good time girl,” liked to sleep around and get paid for it. No big deal—nothing more than just a trick. Here a trick, there a trick, everywhere a trick-trick. You might find it more acceptable, if you just think of a trick as a minor miracle of sorts. It will also helps you to better understand Jesus’ attraction to her.

Jesus was immediately taken with her unique talents. Her reputation preceded her. Connoisseurs raved how she gave best hand job West of Galilee. You may have heard of the last temptation. Well, Mary M was the first.

In addition to Mary, Jesus was also taken with her associates. It seems he had this thing for bad girls, and dedicated lots of hours to helping Mary M and her colleagues get organized, fighting alongside them for better working hours and better conditions. And they, in turn, helped organize on his behalf.

Going Steady

Their courtship was short but sweet. We have accounts of Jesus kissing Mary—which didn’t sit to well with Jesus’ buddies who were jealous of the attention paid her. A few, however, stood by his choice. The second-century gospel of St Mary quotes a disciple called Levi having told Peter: “If the Savior made her worthy, who are you to reject her? Certainly the Savior knows her very well. That is why he loved her more than us.” Hey, a guy’s gotta do , what a guy’s gotta do.

As to accusations of having fornicated with Mary M, Jesus initially denied them vigorously “I did not have sex with that woman!” he proclaimed indignantly. He did, after all, have a public image to uphold. Thanks to his legal team, he also had a great definition of “sex.”

Eventually though, push came to shove, and Jesus succumbed to Mary M’s blandishments. It wasn’t easy however. Jesus was, shall we say, somewhat “confused” about what was happening. If the truth be known, Jesus was not totally at home with his sexuality. That’s perfectly understandable, given his parentage. Everything he knew about sex he had picked up from his foster father, Joseph. And that, alas, wasn’t much.

When Jesus pressed Joseph for the details of his own birth, the best he could get was a mumbled and somewhat cryptic “Heaven only knows.”

Though he and Mary M finally succeeded at carnal relations, he was pretty clumsy at it and over time grew frustrated holding himself to blame as when he spilled his seed on the ground, taking himself to task afterwards and screaming to the heavens, “What should Jesus do?” Mary could only wonder would he ever?

Settling into Marriage

Sex be hanged, they joined in holy matrimony; for what good reason? God only knows.

And so, like all normal couples, they settled into the routine of a day to day relationship. He took out the garbage; drove the kids to soccer practice. And like all couples, they argued over small things. He squeezed the toothpaste out the wrong (insisting all the time, he had the capabilities to return it to the tube), and pulled the blanket away from her at night.

He shopped for her and the kids, but had this thing about bread, always bringing home enough to feed the entire village. He loved her cooking, especially her meatloaf. But of all the meals, it was breakfast he loved most.

Certain of his habits particularly riled her. How was it she wondered that he could raise others from the dead, but could never lower the toilet seat. He, in turn, was annoyed when she took her work home with her.

As with most married couples, over time, sex became a mundane and infrequently practiced procedure. They had sex on the Sabbath and every Passover (That night being different than all others), after which she said, “Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” Passover however came only once a year. Jesus, regretably, had other fish to fry.

As a good family man and father, Jesus loved children—not only his own but his neighbors as well. He frequently said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them.” Many considered it rather strange that a thirty-something long-haired dude had such a thing about kids. But that’s Jesus for you. Whatta guy!

It was on this rock, he would build his church. And it would be this same love of children which would help establish a long and cherished history of pederasty within the Catholic Church.

The Marital Chasm

The seventh year of their marriage, Jesus developed a severe itch, began spending less and less time at home, and going out evenings with the guys. He headed up a rock group called the “Disciples,” surrounded by fawning devotees and dogged by groupies attracted to his mystique.

Mary M meanwhile sat at alone with the kids at home, lonely and despairing, forced to take in work at home to support the family—left desolate and wondering would Jesus ever return to her and the kids.

And that, dear reader is where the second papyrus leaves off—the fate of their marriage hanging in the balance. It is left to our imagination to consider the outcome.

PS
Oh yes, as Jesus rose again, so did Mary M in what some called a total makeover.

1. He causeth testosterone to rain down from the heavens

2. He maketh foot fetishes au rigeur

3. He causeth an undescended testicle to ascend back into the scrotum

Annual Celebration of that event

4. He causeth a flat-chested woman to blossom fully into a C ( for Christ) cup causing the young men of the village to hardenth

5.He raiseth Lazarus’ penis from the dead

6. He restoreth the sight of young men blinded from masturbation and as an added bonus, returned the motion to their wrists.

7. He melteth a frigid woman and then walketh upon her still waters, rescuing her husband from her unbridled passion

8. He maketh the limp handshake fashionable in the Gay community

9. He createth the Second Coming

10.He causeth women everywhere to call upon him at special moments

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