The Honorable John A. Boehner
United States House of Representatives
1011 Longworth House Office Building
Washington, D.C. 20515
Dear. Congressman Boehner;
I should like to begin this correspondence with a request. May I call you John? It would then appropriately make this a “Dear John” letter.
I am writing to commend you My Dear John, as well as your Republican cohorts on your brilliant strategy to defund Obamacare, shutdown the government, and use the debt-ceiling limit to gain concessions from the Democrats. It is a bold act of statesmanship and a brilliant political strategy. Congratulations on how well it is working.
What you have created is something much larger and more profound than political maneuvering. You have provided America and the world with a template for action in all fields of human endeavor.
Let me take a moment to introduce myself. I am one of the world’s foremost experts in sex and sexual language. People often turn to me with their sexual dilemmas. I am faced daily with hundreds of personal conundrums and often find myself struggling to provide these lost and tortured souls with guidance. Thanks to you and your colleagues, I now have an approach that will make my work much easier.
Consider the case of three young lovers: a woman and two men. For the sake of anonymity, let us call her Jane Roe. Jane had been wooed by two young suitors whom we will anonymously call “John Doe” and “Dill Doe.” Jane was torn between the two, and dated them both on and off over the past year. Each courted her in their fashion.
Over that time, John proved himself to be loyal, decent, honorable, warm, and decent. He was also rather nice looking, had a good sense of humor, a fine education, and a good job with a promising future. Dill was somewhat of a slob, ill-tempered, unfaithful, unemployed, not very bright, and drank to excess, during which time he was also prone to beat Jane. He was, however, quite well endowed, the possessor of a rather large penis.
After a year of dating the two, Jane came to the conclusion that John would make the better husband. The two then made plans for a wedding and a life together. Dill, however, was furious with her choice, unable to understand why she had chosen John over him. He insisted that she reverse her decision. He came to me for assistance.
Dill and I together came to the conclusion that Jane was ill-informed and not of sound mind when she chose John over him and she should immediately call the marriage off and return to Dill. There was simply no good reason for having chosen John. Just because John was a better human being and would make a much better husband was no reason for having selected him over Dill.
What does Dill want? Dill is not interested in marrying Jane. He simply does not want her to marry John—a not unreasonable request.
Under my advice, Dill took Jane’s father and mother on vacation to a special secluded and unspecified location from which they were unable to communicate with the outside world. He wrote Jane that unless the wedding was called off, he could not be responsible for their safety and well being, including their sexual sanctity. There was a possibility as well that their house might blow up in their absence.
All Dill wants of Jane is to talk with her privately about planning their life together and engage in a quickie. He will not release her parents until she stops the wedding and complies with his request. For some strange reason, she refuses to talk to Dill until he releases her parents. He has given her until Friday to comply.
Stay tuned, John—to see how well your template plays in making all our lives richer and fuller.
By the way, is your name pronounced “bayner” or “boner?” Either way, it’s now synonymous with standing firm.
Dr. Celestial Bawdy, DFA, PHC, BO, LSMFT,
Wurlitzer Prize Winning Social Scientist