In a recent interview with The Huffington Post's Jen Bendery, the President of Morality in the Media and former anti-porn prosecutor, Patrick Truemen, claimed that the young men of America are "having their brain maps radically altered" by masturbating to pornography on the internet.
It's a major problem, long ignored by both cartographers and AAA. We join him in calling for a summit of all the key players, including Mapquest, Garmin and other major GPS manufacturers to plan a new national strategy to reset the brain maps of our country’s young males.
The road to a man's heart is through his penis, but to properly tread that path, he needs to be shown the way. It’s a matter of “recalculating” — charting a straighter path for him, putting him back once more on the road to salvation, away from the dead-end streets of internet porn, escorts, and the excesses of Craig's List.
He needs to be detoured from the back alleys filled with large throbbing penises, yawning and inviting vaginas and sexual acrobatics. Place him back once more on the straight and narrow highways and byways of everyday sex, marked by a comforting numbness, doing it by the numbers in the missionary position, to the refrain of "not tonight, dear, I just had my hair done" or "I have a headache."
It should not be difficult. If we could put a man on the moon, we can certainly put the youth of America back once more on the proper path.
Thanks to Google Earth, we have taken the first giant step — a comprehensive mapping of vaginas round the world. All that remains is plotting the proper path to them. Republican evangelicals have offered the one and only route. The only question is whether it’s the road the rest of us want to go down.