Happy Sexual Fourth of July!
One nation under God…? Well if the Republican party has its way, they, not God will be the ones to have fucked-up the country.
Plenty of pre-fourth fireworks down in Texas as legislators there discover new self-evident truths in the course of a discussion of proposed anti-abortion legislation, called “The Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act.”
In the midst of said discussion, Rep. Michael Burgess (R-Texas) said Monday that abortion should be banned as early as 15 weeks after conception because he has witnessed male fetuses masturbating at that stage.
“This is a subject that I do know something about,” said Burgess. “There is no question in my mind that a baby at 20 weeks after conception can feel pain. The fact of the matter is, I argue with the chairman because I thought the date was far too late. We should be setting this at 15 weeks, 16 weeks.”
“Watch a sonogram of a 15-week baby, and they have movements that are purposeful,” Burgess continued. “They stroke their face. If they’re a male baby, they may have their hand between their legs. If they feel pleasure, why is it so hard to think that they could feel pain?”
So the next time a pregnant friend invites you to feel her tummy – just watch it! All that movement, well, that could be some pretty private stuff going on down there. And you don’t want to mess with Mr. In-between.
According to the former, OB-GYN, The little bugger’s apparently not just stretching down there; he’s also rising to the occasion. What exactly is he masturbating to? No one knows for sure. Whatever, it is doesn’t really matter. He’s just doing what comes naturally. As every man knows, it’s never too early to take matters into your own hands.
Unfortunately, if the fetus is experiencing pleasure, that makes a good argument for abortion. As every good Republican knows, sex should never be pleasurable. It has but one purpose—procreation, and if that dumb-ass fetus isn’t aware of that—well, he probably should be put out of his misery before he becomes a teen-ager and those bad habits learned in the womb come back to haunt society.
Earlier, state Rep. Jodie Laudenberg, (R) lawmaker, also broke new sexual ground with her revelation that a proposed exemption for rape victims was unnecessary because assaulted women could simply turn to rape kits for abortions. “In the emergency room they have what’s called rape kits, where a woman can get cleaned out,” she explained
Seemingly, Representative Laudenberg had discovered a whole new dimension to rape kits, whose primary function is to collect evidence of sexual assault
Asked about it later in a private interview with Dr. Bawdy, Laudenberg cited numerous scientific studies whose findings proved unequivocally the value of the kit.
“It drives out dirt, stamps out smut; attacks greasy smears, blots on justice, and tough stains. It’s truly a washday miracle!” she exclaimed enthusiastically.
“Don’t leave home without it. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is. A little dab’ll do you. And away go problems down the drain.”
She concluded with the assertion that it was the patriotic duty of rape victims to use the kit. . “Hooray for the red, white, and blue!” she exclaimed. “Colors look even cleaner and brighter than before.”