Dear Dr. Bawdy,
My wife and I haven’t done the deed in years. Memories of sex are beginning to fade fast. Not knowing what else to do, I asked my son to take me to a prostitute. He's agreed and I'm ready and rarin' to go.
Unfortunately, I don't know how to speak prostitute-ise. I feel like a visitor to a foreign country. Could you provide me with a few key phrases and tips for how I should express myself?
— Hung Up, Edina, MN
The language is quite basic. You have simply to master the following:
"Leave it on top of the dresser."
"We take Visa, MC and Amex."
"Prices are subject to change without notice."
"We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone."
"You show me yours… "
"What’ll you have?"
"Do not try this at home."
And "That’ll be extra."
A proper response to any of the above should consist of no more than a simple snort or grunt of approval.
Do not ask, "How’s tricks?"
If she should inquire as to "Paper or plastic?" chances are, you are in the wrong place.
Looking for more sound advice? Write Dr. Bawdy with your problems
. Bawdy is the world's foremost authority on sex—says he.