Bawdy Language

A sexual reference book like no other
Everything you always wanted to do but were afraid to say

Dr. Bawdy's counseling is wholly provided for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for qualified medical advice from a licensed healthcare professional. If you're dumb enough to take it, you'll just have to suffer the consequences.

Side effects may include bloated retina, collapsed vagina, anal rash, nasal drip, and double vision. Contact an emergency room psychologist for an erection lasting longer than 20 seconds.

Any further questions regarding individual circumstances should be directed towards your general practitioner/pharmacist/veterinarian. As to any contemplated legal action, tell your lawyer that Dr. Bawdy says he should simply "Fuck off!"

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In 1918, a dancer sued  the  publisher of a journal for libel for an  article  linking  her name with the  heading, “Cult of the  Clitoris.” The publisher’s defense rested  on the assertion that  she could  not  possibly  been  libeled  in that  no  one  knew  what  a clitoris was.


When the dancer herself  was questioned whether she knew  the  term,  she  answered, “Yes but  not  particularly.” The author of the  article  swore  he  had  tried  to  find  a  title  “that would  only  be  understood by those  it should be  understood by.”  He  added how  he  had  telephoned a  village  doctor  to whom he mentioned the word and  was told that  it “was a superficial organ  that,  when  unduly excited  or overdeveloped, possessed the  most dreadful influence on  any  woman, that she  would  do the most  extraordinary things,” adding  how “an exaggerated clitoris might drive a woman to an elephant.”

A Doctor  testifying  on  the  publisher’s behalf  said  that  he had  shown the  term  to  fifty or sixty  friends,  none  of whom knew its meaning ( presumably most of these  were fellow Doctors). He added,“ Of course clitoris is a Greek  word; it is a medical term…nobody but  a  medical man  or  people  interested  in that  kind of thing,  would  understand the term.” (Lucy Bland,  ‘Trial by Sexology? Maud Allen, Salome,  and  the  “Cult of the Clitoris Case” in Lucy Bland  and  Laura Doan, eds., Sexology  in Culture: Labeling Bodies and Desires.)

Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy –


It wasn’t until 1971, in The Owl and the Pussycat that Barbara Streisand became the first female superstar to say fuck in a major motion picture. Off the set, however, its use was commonplace. During the filming of The Prince and the Showgirl (1957), Laurence Olivier chided Marilyn Monroe for constantly arriving late, asking her, “Why can’t you get here on time for fuck’s sake?” To which she replied, “Oh do they have that word in England too?”

Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy –


Quoth she, “What is this so still and warm?”
“Tis Ball, my nag, he will do you no harm.”

“But what is this hangs under his chin?”
“Tis his bag he puts his provender in.” Quoth he,

“What is this?” Quoth she,
“’Tis a well where Ball, your nag, can drink his fill.”

“But what if my nag should chance to fall in?”
“Catch hold of the grass that grows on the brim.”

“But what if the grass should chance to fail?”
“Shove him in by the head, pull him out by the tail”

—Thomas D’Urfey, “The Trooper,” in Songs of Wit and Mirth or Pills to Purge Melancholy, 1719

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No need to search. You’ll find them (and put them) everywhere, including – well—the strangest (not really) of all places.


They’re nestled among the beauty products in drug stores, on major aisles of sex stores like Adam and Eve and dotted all over the internet, bringing them to your doorstep in that anonymous innocent looking package capable of deceiving even the most eagle-eyed postman and your neighborhood pastor — with but a few easy clicks.

The neat part about sex toys is that satisfaction is always guaranteed. If you’re not happy with them, you know what you can do with them — and that’s hardly a fall-back position.

They’re even making news. Yesterday’s sex toy is today’s headline. Well, not quite. This one happened in China last year.


ABC News reported that a sex toy was confused for a mushroom in the Chinese village of Liucunbu, outside the city of Xi’an. When villagers drilling a well shaft found the object, they called a local TV station, which sent over a reporter to cover the discovery. They thought they had discovered a rare fungus.

“It has an eye and a nose, but we don’t know what it is,” one of the villagers tells the Chinese reporter, according to an English translation from ABC. But this was no miraculous mushroom. Several viewers pointed out the mysterious object was actually an artificial vagina — a sex toy – The Chinese newspaper, The Mirror reports.

“Ignorance is horrible.” How can the reporter mistake a sex toy for fungus?” one viewer commented on his Weibo microblog, according to the Mirror.

The station responded by essentially throwing their reporters under the bus, saying they were “young and unfamiliar with worldly affairs.” But it couldn’t have been all the reporters’ fault.

The reporter most certainly had a crew, an editor, a producer and others involved in the story—this was not rogue sex toy confusion….Magic mushroom, indeed!

Contrary to popular conception, there’s nothing new fangled about them. They’re as old as the hills, which is plenty fuckin’ old!


Dildos go back to Ancient times and women have been having good vibrations ever since the 19th century when they were introduced as a cure for hysteria. Doctors then loved administering a hands-on treatment which left their female patients exiting their office thoroughly a-tingle. Goodbye, hysteria. Hello big O!


And what of the other playthings in our play chest— penis pumps, cock rings, straps-ons and the like? Certainly these are products of our sex-saturated contemporary brains. Wrong.

They too have a distinguished past. Many of our beloved modern sex toys have actually been around for eons, pleasuring humanity for over two thousand years. Check out some of these sex toys and their long, sordid history. A great big hand – and why not?—that’s often all it took. for our kinky ancestors and the perverts of the past. Hats off to them for their twisted ingenuity.

Cock-a-doodle do:


“Why don’t you give me a ring sometime?” It’s an expression that could well have been first spoken in Ancient China. They weren’t, however, talking about phones then. The ring they, mostly the Chinese women, had in mind was a cock ring.

Never one to appear soft on his enemies or his lovers, the Chinese man of the Jin Dynasty opted to wrap his willy tight, giving him a harder and longer lasting erection. And what did they use to make it happen — but goat’s eyelids and eye lashes.. After acquiring the eyeball covering, they would take the skin and wrap it tightly around the base of the cock, causing the same effect of today’s modern cock ring. Later, the goat’s eyelids would be exchanged for jade and stone. It all makes the silicone, metal and leather options we have now. sound pretty unsexy.

Ben Wa Balls:


You have to have balls to succeed sexually in today’s world. Love balls, geisha balls, vagina balls, orgasm balls whatever, these little balls can be referred to in a plethora of ways, but at the end of the day, their true name is Ben Wa Balls and while they have become increasingly popular due to their “tightening” effects, Ben Wa Balls are actually very old and were originally made with men in mind.

Things first got rolling with Ben Wa Balls in Japan in 500 AD. Men weren’t pleased with their level of pleasure during sex and wanted to get more out of it. As such, they created a metal ball that would be inserted into the vagina during sex. It would then roll around inside as they pumped away. Naturally, the women on the receiving end realized that this was pleasurable for them as well and bam, they went from one ball to two and three balls strong together by silk. Nowadays, you can find Ben Wa Balls in metal, glass, silicone and plastic. They typically come in pairs and are far more angled at women than men.

Penis Enlargers:


It’s late night, you’re skimming your spam filter on your email and there it is, the answer to all of your penile problems. The one magic pill, prop and surgery to give you the throbbing member you’ve been after since you turned 13. The faithful Penis Enlarger. Much like you would think, men have been concerned with their size since they looked down and realize it could get hard. Because of this, a means to getting a larger penis became a top priority and the men of India wasted no time figuring out how to do it.

In 1700 BC, Vatsyayana, a Hindu philosopher, wrote the Kama Sutra, a book of sexual positions and practices that we still use and refer to today. But beyond the positions was the suggestion that men should be concerned with their penis size and the way it pleasures their women. As a result, they should consider wearing a penis extender during intercourse, especially if they have impotence issues or a wife with an extra large vagina (it’s always the woman’s fault). You can also view this invention/suggestion as the original strap on as well.

So there you are—a quick tour through the toy store. Enjoy!

Historically that takes us full circle back to the beginning and Adam and Eve.

Behind every pair of breasts there  was a man.  It was men who set  the  standards for the  Breast Betterment League  and  determined  when  a  pair  was  ready  to  face  the  world.  They  described women  who qualified as well developed (19thC), (well) stacked (mid 20thC), (well) endowed or zaftig (20thC, Yiddish  for “juicy, luscious, overweight in the right places”). Later, they said a woman was  well built.  The  phrase originated in the  1930s,  a time  when many  a  public  bathrooms was  going  up,  especially in  parks  and recreation areas, as part  of the WPA. Given  men’s  way with words (especially about women)  and  the  pleasure they  take  in the  bathroom  and  bathroom phrases, it was  only  natural that  they’d  link her architecture to that  of the the privies of the time which  were of truly  solid  construction. Hence the  ultimate tribute, built  like  a brick  shithouse (20thC). What finer compliment could  a woman hope  for?


Literate   men,   however,  would   have   little  to  do  with  such phrases, opting  instead for  more  gentile  expressions such   as buxom. Buxom derives  from the Old English  bouen,  “to bow,” and was once  an innocent word used  to describe a person of either  sex who was humble, submissive, obedient, tractable, and  easily bent—  qualities any  lord  would  be happy to find in his  peasants.

By the sixteenth century the word had  begun  to be applied specifically to a powerfully  built  female  field hand. It later  made  a quantum leap  to her appearance, and  today  refers to any woman with a shapely full-bosomed figure.


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Sexiest book ever? Try the Bible.   

It was especially easy to be intimate in the Old Testament. In those days all the more important people seemed to know each other. Of course Knowing a person was synonymous with fucking them, and the word was applied to both sexes. Men knew women, and women knew men. Later, we only had knowledge of a woman (c. 1425), where to know her was to love her. Knowing a man, however, came to count for very little, and self-knowledge, not at all. A little knowledge continued to be a very dangerous thing. We eventually gained carnal knowledge (c. 1686), from the Latin carnus, “meat,” which made it possible for us to know each other in the flesh, advanced students ostensibly being able to distinguish between eye of the round and chuck.

Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy

It’s obviously time  to ask  for the  facilities, the  lavatory (or the abbreviated lav)—an old nineteenth-century word from the Latin lavatorium, “a place for washing.”  Hoping   to  disguise   your   mission,  you might  request the  place where you  cough (c.  1920).  Speaking more  directly,  the  shithouse  (19thC), the  can  (c.  1900),  or  the head. Why  the head, when  “tail” is more appropriate? It could  be from the  manner with  which  many  relate  to authoritya political statement of sorts.  Or,  as  is more  likely,  from  the  location of the ship’s facilities—in the “bulkhead.”



When all is said  and  done,  most  Americans need  room  to do it. Today’s  favorites  include washrooms (c. 1878),  bathrooms (c. 1850s),  from a time  when  the  necessary fixtures  joined  the  bath, and  powder-rooms. The  little girl’s  room  (c. 1940s)  is still with us today,  though its counterpart, the  little boy’s  room,  is seldom referred  to. Dual-room names continue to dominate the  landscape of restaurants nationwide: His  ’n’ Hers,  Gents and  Ladies, Gulls and  Buoys, Lads and  Lassies, and  Braves and  Squaws (Ugh!).

Many  prefer  the  restroom. But  if you  asked  for it in England, your  hosts  would  likely point  out  the  cloak-room or show  you  to the  bedroom. Perhaps you  thought yourself  couth by  not  asking for the  toilet (c.  1820s–30s), or one  of its  mutant off-spring  the toidy or  toy-toy  (20thC), but  the  toilet still  works  fine  there among  the  working-class.The toilet  derives  from  the  French toilette, the  diminutive of toile, the  cloth  once  covering  the  table  on which sat one’s preparations, making  it all very acceptable.

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Let one and all know that the fly on the wall at the secret meeting between Putin and Obama was none other than yours truly, the honorable Celestial Bawdy. I am privileged to report that a key part of the recent agreement between the two leaders was a secret pact called “Macho is Mucho.” This secret pact centered on which of the two leaders had the most sexual charisma.


The one winning the contest would exercise leverage over the other when it came to determining the terms of the Syrian disarmament. After an arm wrestling challenge and a poker game, each had their penis assessed by an independent authority, the world-renowned penisologist, Dr. Hans On of the Viagra Institute in Oslo. After fully assessing all key factors, including length, girth, beauty marks, and precision of circumcision, he came to the conclusion that both pricks were equal in every important regard.

Dairy authority Dmitri Vasilovich was the judge of the man-boob evaluation. The results are still pending, but it appears that Putin is headed for a 32 C cup; having been inspired by a young lady who flashed him a few months ago in the Netherlands ( See picture). Independent evaluators from the UN are concerned that Putin secretly visited Silicon Valley last month for implants. Russian authorities deny this, calling such allegations “malicious slander characteristic of the flat-chested imperialists.”
Reports are now circulating that Putin has challenged Obama to a “Fuck-Off.” This is a Russian tradition dating back several hundred years in which contestants are dropped off in a whore house for 24 hours, given a box of condoms, a bottle of Evian and told to have sex with as many women in the house as possible in the course of one day. The one with the highest score wins. No to worry. Either way, the world gets fucked!


Signing off from Moscow, this is your official fly on the wall and the last word on sex wherever and whenever it is happening—the one, the only, Dr. Celestial Bawdy. Others may work for world peace, but it’s only I who truly know how to get a piece.

Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy – Bawdy News