Bawdy Language

A sexual reference book like no other
Everything you always wanted to do but were afraid to say

Dr. Bawdy's counseling is wholly provided for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for qualified medical advice from a licensed healthcare professional. If you're dumb enough to take it, you'll just have to suffer the consequences.

Side effects may include bloated retina, collapsed vagina, anal rash, nasal drip, and double vision. Contact an emergency room psychologist for an erection lasting longer than 20 seconds.

Any further questions regarding individual circumstances should be directed towards your general practitioner/pharmacist/veterinarian. As to any contemplated legal action, tell your lawyer that Dr. Bawdy says he should simply "Fuck off!"

Diary of a Pizza Virgin

AKA Fifty Shades of Marinara

I was only fifteen at the time, a mere waif, innocent and unfamiliar with the ways of the culinary world. My world view was circumscribed by Chicken nuggets, big Macs, Double downs, and Twinkies. What did I know? I had just traded in my bubble gum and training bra when Jimmy Bob and pizza came into my life. I was totally unprepared for it. And nothing has been the same ever since.

I remember it as if it were yesterday. It was a warm summer night. Jimmy and I had just come back from the senior hop. He suggested we check out the scenery at the football field. I said, “Why not?” Before I knew it I had fallen under his hypnotic gaze. There I lay, stretched out in his arms under the bleachers beneath the star-filled sky and the warm gaze of a full moon.

Slowly ever so tenuously, I reached out for Jimmy Bob’s hand. He said, “Close your eyes.” Before I knew it I felt something warm in my palm. I clenched it tight. It was a sensation which I was unfamiliar with—warm and squishy. Its aroma made me dizzy, carrying me to heights I had never known before… Canadian bacon and pineapple!

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I hesitated for a moment. “Go ahead,” Billy Bob urged. “Take it in your mouth; curl your tongue gently about it; let your teeth sink into it ever so gently.” I took a cautious but resolute gobble, and then in one fell swoop quickly devoured it. But I couldn’t stop with just one. I reached into the box and took out another… and yet another. The roof of my mouth burned with passion. There was no stopping me. I was like an animal possessed. Such ecstasy! Such joy!

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Afterwards, the empty cardboard box lay on the ground in tatters—ravaged. I don’t remember much more about that evening, only Mama commenting about the lateness of the hour …and the tiny red stain on my skirt.

From the desk of Dr. Bawdy and the website that’s the last word on sex:

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