Bawdy Language

A sexual reference book like no other
Everything you always wanted to do but were afraid to say

Dr. Bawdy's counseling is wholly provided for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for qualified medical advice from a licensed healthcare professional. If you're dumb enough to take it, you'll just have to suffer the consequences.

Side effects may include bloated retina, collapsed vagina, anal rash, nasal drip, and double vision. Contact an emergency room psychologist for an erection lasting longer than 20 seconds.

Any further questions regarding individual circumstances should be directed towards your general practitioner/pharmacist/veterinarian. As to any contemplated legal action, tell your lawyer that Dr. Bawdy says he should simply "Fuck off!"

Posts for Cursing in the News


A few years ago a story made the rounds of a young woman in a bikini who was bathing in the surf when a particularly violent wave hit her and swept off the top of her bathing suit.

To avoid embarrassment, she embraced her nakedness with both arms.

As she was making her way to shore, a young boy stopped her and innocently inquired, “Lady, those sure are cute little puppies. You suppose I could have the one with the pink nose?”

According to Wickipedia, St. Priapus Church (FrenchÉglise S. Priape) is a North American religion founded in the 1980s that centers on the worship of the phallus. Founded in Montreal Quebec by D. F. Cassidy, the church has a following mainly among gay men in Canada and the United States.

The church, which is named after the Greek god Priapus, teaches that the phallus is the source of life, beauty, joy, and pleasure.The phallus is to be worshipped through a variety of sexual acts, including group masturbation. Semenis also treated with reverence and its consumption is an act of worship.



That’s not apparently what the Christian Science Church in Dixon Illinois had in mind when it was recently renovated. It all looks pretty innocent at eye-level; the closer you get to heaven, however, (thanks to Google-Earth) the more is revealed its true essence.


Aerial View

The Church’s stated mission is about unconditional love, spiritual growth and healing based on the Bible, Christ Jesus’ teachings, and the writings of Mary Baker Eddy. Sexologists wonder, however, whether there’s more there than meets the eye. The Church’s motto is “Always Rising.” The sermon for November 7 was, “Who told you that you were naked?”


Ground View and Proposed solution on Church’s Facebook Page


It wasn’t until  1971,  in The Owl and  the Pussycat  that  Barbara Streisand became the  first female  superstar to  say  fuck  in  a major  motion picture. Off the  set,  however, its use  was  commonplace. During  the  filming of The  Prince and  the  Showgirl  (1957),  Laurence Olivier chided Marilyn  Monroe for constantly arriving  late,  asking her,  “Why  can’t  you  get  here  on  time  for fuck’s  sake?”  To which  she  replied, “Oh  do  they  have  that  word  in  England too?”

Read more from Dr. Bawdy’s likes


Isn’t it awfully  nice to have a penis

Isn’t it frightfully  good to have it on Its swell to have a stiffy


It’s divine to own a dick

From the tiniest little tadger to the world’s biggest prick


So, three cheers for your Willy  or John Thomas

Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake


Your piece of pork, your wife’s best friend, your passing  or your cock

You can wrap it up in ribbons,  you can stuff it in a sock


But don’t take it out in public or they’ll stick you in the dock

…And  you won’t come back


—Sung by Eric Idle in Monty  Python’s, The Meaning of Life (1983)


A Brown University medical sociologist reports that proctologists are commonly referred to in the profession as “Rear Admirals.” Coincidentally, Dr. Reinhold Aman, editor of Maledicta, noted that when former President Jimmy Carter was treated for a hemorrhoidal condition in 1978, the attending physician was Dr. William Lukash, a  real  Rear  Admiral  in  the U.S. Navy.


Find more – Bawdy Language book



The Honorable John A. Boehner

United States House of Representatives

1011 Longworth House Office Building

Washington, D.C. 20515


Dear. Congressman Boehner;

I should like to begin this correspondence with a request. May I call you John? It would then appropriately make this a “Dear John” letter.

I am writing to commend you My Dear John, as well as your Republican cohorts on your brilliant strategy to defund Obamacare, shutdown the government, and use the debt-ceiling limit to gain concessions from the Democrats. It is a bold act of statesmanship and a brilliant political strategy. Congratulations on how well it is working.

What you have created is something much larger and more profound than political maneuvering. You have provided America and the world with a template for action in all fields of human endeavor.

Let me take a moment to introduce myself. I am one of the world’s foremost experts in sex and sexual language. People often turn to me with their sexual dilemmas. I am faced daily with hundreds of personal conundrums and often find myself struggling to provide these lost and tortured souls with guidance. Thanks to you and your colleagues, I now have an approach that will make my work much easier.

Consider the case of three young lovers: a woman and two men. For the sake of anonymity, let us call her Jane Roe. Jane had been wooed by two young suitors whom we will anonymously call “John Doe” and “Dill Doe.”  Jane was torn between the two, and dated them both on and off over the past year. Each courted her in their fashion.

Over that time, John proved himself to be loyal, decent, honorable, warm, and decent. He was also rather nice looking, had a good sense of humor, a fine education, and a good job with a promising future. Dill was somewhat of a slob, ill-tempered, unfaithful, unemployed, not very bright, and drank to excess, during which time he was also prone to beat Jane. He was, however, quite well endowed, the possessor of a rather large penis.

After a year of dating the two, Jane came to the conclusion that John would make the better husband. The two then made plans for a wedding and a life together. Dill, however, was furious with her choice, unable to understand why she had chosen John over him. He insisted that she reverse her decision. He came to me for assistance.

Dill and I together came to the conclusion that Jane was ill-informed and not of sound mind when she chose John over him and she should immediately call the marriage off and return to Dill.  There was simply no good reason for having chosen John.  Just because John was a better human being and would make a much better husband was no reason for having selected him over Dill.

What does Dill want?  Dill is not interested in marrying Jane. He simply does not want her to marry John—a not unreasonable request.

Under my advice, Dill took Jane’s father and mother on vacation to a special secluded and unspecified location from which they were unable to communicate with the outside world. He wrote Jane that unless the wedding was called off, he could not be responsible for their safety and well being, including their sexual sanctity.  There was a possibility as well that their house might blow up in their absence.

All Dill wants of Jane is to talk with her privately about planning their life together and engage in a quickie. He will not release her parents until she stops the wedding and complies with his request. For some strange reason, she refuses to talk to Dill until he releases her parents. He has given her until Friday to comply.

Stay tuned, John—to see how well your template plays in making all our lives richer and fuller.

By the way, is your name pronounced “bayner” or “boner?” Either way, it’s now synonymous with standing firm.


Dr. Celestial Bawdy, DFA, PHC, BO, LSMFT,

Wurlitzer Prize Winning Social Scientist

In 1918, a dancer sued  the  publisher of a journal for libel for an  article  linking  her name with the  heading, “Cult of the  Clitoris.” The publisher’s defense rested  on the assertion that  she could  not  possibly  been  libeled  in that  no  one  knew  what  a clitoris was.


When the dancer herself  was questioned whether she knew  the  term,  she  answered, “Yes but  not  particularly.” The author of the  article  swore  he  had  tried  to  find  a  title  “that would  only  be  understood by those  it should be  understood by.”  He  added how  he  had  telephoned a  village  doctor  to whom he mentioned the word and  was told that  it “was a superficial organ  that,  when  unduly excited  or overdeveloped, possessed the  most dreadful influence on  any  woman, that she  would  do the most  extraordinary things,” adding  how “an exaggerated clitoris might drive a woman to an elephant.”

A Doctor  testifying  on  the  publisher’s behalf  said  that  he had  shown the  term  to  fifty or sixty  friends,  none  of whom knew its meaning ( presumably most of these  were fellow Doctors). He added,“ Of course clitoris is a Greek  word; it is a medical term…nobody but  a  medical man  or  people  interested  in that  kind of thing,  would  understand the term.” (Lucy Bland,  ‘Trial by Sexology? Maud Allen, Salome,  and  the  “Cult of the Clitoris Case” in Lucy Bland  and  Laura Doan, eds., Sexology  in Culture: Labeling Bodies and Desires.)

Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy –


It wasn’t until 1971, in The Owl and the Pussycat that Barbara Streisand became the first female superstar to say fuck in a major motion picture. Off the set, however, its use was commonplace. During the filming of The Prince and the Showgirl (1957), Laurence Olivier chided Marilyn Monroe for constantly arriving late, asking her, “Why can’t you get here on time for fuck’s sake?” To which she replied, “Oh do they have that word in England too?”

Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy –

Let one and all know that the fly on the wall at the secret meeting between Putin and Obama was none other than yours truly, the honorable Celestial Bawdy. I am privileged to report that a key part of the recent agreement between the two leaders was a secret pact called “Macho is Mucho.” This secret pact centered on which of the two leaders had the most sexual charisma.


The one winning the contest would exercise leverage over the other when it came to determining the terms of the Syrian disarmament. After an arm wrestling challenge and a poker game, each had their penis assessed by an independent authority, the world-renowned penisologist, Dr. Hans On of the Viagra Institute in Oslo. After fully assessing all key factors, including length, girth, beauty marks, and precision of circumcision, he came to the conclusion that both pricks were equal in every important regard.

Dairy authority Dmitri Vasilovich was the judge of the man-boob evaluation. The results are still pending, but it appears that Putin is headed for a 32 C cup; having been inspired by a young lady who flashed him a few months ago in the Netherlands ( See picture). Independent evaluators from the UN are concerned that Putin secretly visited Silicon Valley last month for implants. Russian authorities deny this, calling such allegations “malicious slander characteristic of the flat-chested imperialists.”
Reports are now circulating that Putin has challenged Obama to a “Fuck-Off.” This is a Russian tradition dating back several hundred years in which contestants are dropped off in a whore house for 24 hours, given a box of condoms, a bottle of Evian and told to have sex with as many women in the house as possible in the course of one day. The one with the highest score wins. No to worry. Either way, the world gets fucked!


Signing off from Moscow, this is your official fly on the wall and the last word on sex wherever and whenever it is happening—the one, the only, Dr. Celestial Bawdy. Others may work for world peace, but it’s only I who truly know how to get a piece.

Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy – Bawdy News


Shot by an anarchist while standing on a Brussels railway station, The Prince of Wales utters the immortal words, “Fuck it, I’ve taken a bullet.”



Music hall comedian Hector Thaxter becomes the first man to say “Arse” on the radio.


After cutting food rations as part of a new economic drive, Chancellor Hugh Dalton is accosted by a beggar in the street who says, “You bloody bastard! What am I meant to do, eat shit?”


Interviewed live on BBC News, a British teddy boy is asked his opinion of Bill Haley. He replies, “Haley? I wouldn’t piss on him if he went up in flames. I’m an Elvis man meself.”


Appearing on a late night live satire programme called BBC3, Kenneth Tynan becomes the first man to say “Fuck” on TV. A national fit of apoplexy follows with one Tory MP suggesting that Tynan should hang!


After watching an episode of “Till Death Us Do Part” that includes 44 uses of the word “BLOODY”, Mary Whitehouse fumes, “This is the end of civilisation as we know it.”


Buzz Aldrin becomes the first man to swear on the moon “Bloody hell,” he tells Neil Armstrong, “I’ve just taken a shit in my space suit.”


Oxford English Dictionary includes the words “FUCK” and “CUNT” for the first time. The National Campaign for Real Swearing issues a statement which reads: “We’d be a bunch of lying cunts if we didn’t say that we were totally fucking delighted.”


Originating from the Australian “Nasty as Fuck”, the word NAFF is introduced to the British public via Ronnie Barker in Porridge. As in “Naff off Godber!” However the expression looses its appeal when Princess Anne starts using it.


On tour in Hong Kong and unaware that he is miked up, The Duke of Edinburgh tells a photographer  “Fuck off or I’ll have you shot.” 

The moral majority get into a proper old lather after Steve Jones of the Sex Pistols appears on live TV and calls presenter Bill Grundy “A fucking rotter”.


A Bar steward at a Conservative Club in Middlesex is sacked after greeting a club member with the words, “All right, you fucking old bastard, we haven’t seen you for fucking ages!” He is later ruled to have been unfairly dismissed on the grounds that his words “were just a form of greeting”.


British Leyland workers begin their so-called swearing strike after one of the top brass describes them as, “fucking bastards and fucking working-class pigs”.


Jools Holland lets slip with the phrase “Groovy fuckers” on a live broadcast of The Tube and is suspended for six weeks. 
A Pakistani umpire calls Mike Gatting “a fucking cheating bastard” during a Test Match.


Female golfer Muffin Spencer-Devlin is banned from a top ladies tournament after calling officials, “A fucking bunch of incontinent wankers!”.


Rev. Ian Gregory, secretary of The Polite Society, proposes that existing swear-words are banished and replaced with “nice words like ‘breadstick’ and ‘cotton socks’”. A spokesman for The National Campaign for Real Swearing responds by saying “The good reverend can go and fuck himself!”.


Pete Sampras, the world’s top male tennis player, shouts at the Wimbledon crowd, “Thank you very much, you mother fuckers!” 

A Briton in Saudi Arabia is sentenced to 40 lashes after telling a member of his staff to, “Stuff it up your fat arse you old wanker”. 

Boston grunge band, The Anal Cunts, release their first single.


Annoyed at the constant chattering of children during a performance of “Macbeth” at a Manchester theatre, actor Paul Higgins strides to the front of the stage and bellows, “Shut the fuck up or I’ll rip your fucking heads off!”


Students hackers tinker with the digital storage system at Britain’s first talking bus stop in Leeds, with the result that a queue of passengers expecting a recorded timetable are greeted with the words, “Fuck off and walk you lazy bastards”.


With the advent of Channel 4’s “Bremner, Bird, & Fortune” and “The Eleven O’clock Show”, all known swear words are finally used openly, in entertainment television.
The National Campaign For Real Swearing comments About fucking time too!

By Dr. Bawdy and Laughingpoliceman

Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy –