Bawdy Language

Happy Sexual Fourth of July!

One nation under God…? Well if the Republican party has its way, they, not God will be the ones to have fucked-up the country.

Plenty of pre-fourth fireworks down in Texas as legislators there discover new self-evident truths in the course of a discussion of proposed anti-abortion legislation, called “The Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act.”

In the midst of said discussion, Rep. Michael Burgess (R-Texas) said Monday that abortion should be banned as early as 15 weeks after conception because he has witnessed male fetuses masturbating at that stage.

“This is a subject that I do know something about,” said Burgess. “There is no question in my mind that a baby at 20 weeks after conception can feel pain. The fact of the matter is, I argue with the chairman because I thought the date was far too late. We should be setting this at 15 weeks, 16 weeks.”

“Watch a sonogram of a 15-week baby, and they have movements that are purposeful,” Burgess continued. “They stroke their face. If they’re a male baby, they may have their hand between their legs. If they feel pleasure, why is it so hard to think that they could feel pain?”

So the next time a pregnant friend invites you to feel her tummy – just watch it! All that movement, well, that could be some pretty private stuff going on down there. And you don’t want to mess with Mr. In-between.

According to the former, OB-GYN, The little bugger’s apparently not just stretching down there; he’s also rising to the occasion. What exactly is he masturbating to? No one knows for sure. Whatever, it is doesn’t really matter. He’s just doing what comes naturally. As every man knows, it’s never too early to take matters into your own hands.

Unfortunately, if the fetus is experiencing pleasure, that makes a good argument for abortion. As every good Republican knows, sex should never be pleasurable. It has but one purpose—procreation, and if that dumb-ass fetus isn’t aware of that—well, he probably should be put out of his misery before he becomes a teen-ager and those bad habits learned in the womb come back to haunt society.

Earlier, state Rep. Jodie Laudenberg, (R) lawmaker, also broke new sexual ground with her revelation that a proposed exemption for rape victims was unnecessary because assaulted women could simply turn to rape kits for abortions. “In the emergency room they have what’s called rape kits, where a woman can get cleaned out,” she explained

Seemingly, Representative Laudenberg had discovered a whole new dimension to rape kits, whose primary function is to collect evidence of sexual assault

Asked about it later in a private interview with Dr. Bawdy, Laudenberg cited numerous scientific studies whose findings proved unequivocally the value of the kit.

“It drives out dirt, stamps out smut; attacks greasy smears, blots on justice, and tough stains. It’s truly a washday miracle!” she exclaimed enthusiastically.

“Don’t leave home without it. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is. A little dab’ll do you. And away go problems down the drain.”

She concluded with the assertion that it was the patriotic duty of rape victims to use the kit. . “Hooray for the red, white, and blue!” she exclaimed. “Colors look even cleaner and brighter than before.”

Dr. Bawdy today salutes whistle-blower Edward Snowden. One can only wonder as to the many millions of governmental email interceptions he had to go through, before he stumbled upon this nugget of wisdom which he was kind enough to share with the world. It seems to be original with him however, not something our government practices.

“Go to your nearest Krispy Kreme Drive-thru,” he wrote. “Pick up one of the warm ‘fresh of the line’ ones and go put them on your nightstand. You have not lived until you’ve rolled over to post-coital Krispy Kremes. That’s what being an American is all about. I recommend them. “

Notice he said, “post coital,’ for those of you unfamiliar with “Bawdy Language,” “post coital” means “after having fucked.” You aren’t so naïve as to believe the holes in those donuts just magically appeared there…or are you?

We owe Snowden a deep sense of gratitude. He appears to have finally located the source of American exceptionalism—that which separates us from the rest of the world. Post coital krispy Kremes. What does the rest of the world put on their nightstand? You might wonder. Does anyone really give a fuck? Cold lasagna in Italy? Day-old borscht in Russia? Slimy sushi from Japan? Krispy Kremes—only in America! Fuck yes!

Stand by Snowden in defense of our basic liberties—freedom of speech, privacy, and the right to devour Krispy kremes after sex . But why stop there? Hmmmm—what about during sex? Consider the possibilities? As to the NSA, you know what they can do with their Krispy Kremes.

Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy – http://bawdylanguage.com/blog

Twitter does not like I-Pornography

Analytics for #ipornography

Hashtag analytics for #ipornography are presented below for the past 24 hours using Twitter’s streaming API for a 1% sample of all tweets. Upgrade your account to view more detailed information.

Apply is the second biggest hater of I-Pornography

Banning pornography and other offensive materials from the iPhone App Store, Apple has tried to limit the smut available on its iPhone to what you can find on the Web.

Porny apps are ubiquitous in the iTunes store.

Here’s the real surprise: Not many of them are making that much money, however. That’s because porny apps seldom make the best-selling list, which is dominated by games.

Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy – http://bawdylanguage.com/blog

Read more about Apple I-porn: http://www.businessinsider.com/15-outrageous-sex-apps-that-made-it-into-the-iphone-app-store-2010-2?op=1#ixzz2W1pWD0xe

Warning! To those of you contemplating a vacation in Iceland and who are thinking of bringing your laptops with you.

According to the European statistics reports, Iceland is one of the most advanced countries in terms of number of internet users. 95-98% of the country’s population has the access to the internet. At the same time, according to national statistics, 14-year-16-year olds there spend more time on porn websites than teenagers in other European countries.

Iceland is determined to do something about this. Idle hands—as we all know—are the devil’s plaything. And God knows what those teenage hands are busy doing.

So, in a hands-on approach, the country has taken steps to ban online pornography. Critics of censorship in the internet say that if this bill is approved, one of the coldest European countries will become even colder.

The draft law can be adopted this spring. When it comes into effect all porn-websites will be banned and their IP-addresses will be blocked. It will be no longer possible to pay for the services of porn suppliers using credit cards of Iceland’s banks.

To those who claim that it is impossible to ensure such a ban technically, the minister’s senior adviser, Halla Gunnarsdóttir, noted how if humans managed to send a man to the Moon it is definitely possible to banish porn from the Internet. Nothing new here. Printed pornography was banned on Iceland about 10 years ago. And the Interior Minister Ögmundur Jónasson has already made a mark with a number of bans. In 2009, his government banned prostitution ( criminalizing those who pay for sex) and in 2010, strip clubs.

Ironically, it was Scandinavian countries namely Iceland’s closest relatives Denmark and Sweden where porn expansion started the 1960s.

Ironically, too, in that Iceland is home to the world’s largest display of penises and penile parts. Check it out people! Here: (http://www.phallus.is/)

As for me, I’m heading to Thailand. Penises be damned! … by Doctor Bawdy

In a recent interview with The Huffington Post's Jen Bendery, the President of Morality in the Media and former anti-porn prosecutor, Patrick Truemen, claimed that the young men of America are "having their brain maps radically altered" by masturbating to pornography on the internet.

This remapping has caused them to lose their bearings and no longer be interested in normal sex.

It's a major problem, long ignored by both cartographers and AAA. We join him in calling for a summit of all the key players, including Mapquest, Garmin and other major GPS manufacturers to plan a new national strategy to reset the brain maps of our country’s young males.

The road to a man's heart is through his penis, but to properly tread that path, he needs to be shown the way. It’s a matter of “recalculating” — charting a straighter path for him, putting him back once more on the road to salvation, away from the dead-end streets of internet porn, escorts, and the excesses of Craig's List.

He needs to be detoured from the back alleys filled with large throbbing penises, yawning and inviting vaginas and sexual acrobatics. Place him back once more on the straight and narrow highways and byways of everyday sex, marked by a comforting numbness, doing it by the numbers in the missionary position, to the refrain of "not tonight, dear, I just had my hair done" or "I have a headache."

It should not be difficult. If we could put a man on the moon, we can certainly put the youth of America back once more on the proper path.

Thanks to Google Earth, we have taken the first giant step — a comprehensive mapping of vaginas round the world. All that remains is plotting the proper path to them. Republican evangelicals have offered the one and only route. The only question is whether it’s the road the rest of us want to go down.