Archive for December, 2012
Source: The Chronicle of Higher Math and Lower Sex, “Here’s Looking at You Kid,” May 22, 2012, pp 327-341. Principal Investigator: Dr. Samuel X. Rhombus, Tumescent State U. Study subjects: 1,000,267 men under surveillance at 527,600 random locations.
Measurements: the Schwanz psychometric spatial reasoning and Schlong mathematical reasoning tests. Significant Results: Men afterwards were able to multiply as high as 32C. Additional Note: Single-blind only. Researchers were unable to find men who did not stare at women’s breasts.
Source: Podiatria: The Journal of Foot Fetishism, “Toeing the line vs. the Meanest Cut,” Aug.1, 2012, pp 49-59, Dr. Sterling Arches, Scholl College. Study Subjects: 45 men with pigeon-toes, 45 with chicken-toes.
Research tools: Observation and evaluation by trained mohels from the Jewish Orthodox and Muslim communities—two independent observations per penis, utilizing a blinding peephole.
Source: The International Quarterly of Sexual Cosmetology, “Cold Cuts,” May 31, 2012, pp 12-19, Dr. Renee Merkin and Dr. Rene Merkin, University of Je Ne Sais Quoi. Study Subjects: 25 shaven women, 25 fur bearers. Research tools and measurements: thermometer readings, journals, volunteer barbers, and sexual partners’ evaluations.
Source: The Journal of Nasal Congestion, July 21, 2012, pp 112-127, “The Nose Knows,” Dr. Heinrich Putz, University of Schvitzgarten. Study Subjects: fifty inveterate nose-pickers, fifty Kleenex aficionados. Research tools and measurement: journals, pornography, incidence, number of boogers and pages stuck together.
Source: The Effete Intellectual Weekly, July 4, 2012, pp 3001-3031, Dr. Luigi Oblongata, University of Linguini, “The Hard Facts about IQ.” Study Subjects: 50 Mensa members, 50 truckers.
Research tools and measurements: High priced escorts, cheap street walkers, interviews and rigid application of ERS (Erection Hardness Score). To see national IQ scores and penis size: http://www.targetmap.com/viewer.aspx?reportId=4923
When does life begin? Pro-Lifers insist it’s the fetus. It must be a person; what else would he or she be doing on your cell phone? And all those likes on Facebook! Friends of the fetus no less!
Now—if we can believe our evangelical friends—the fetus has slipped to a poor second on the creationist chain.
It's been replaced by the fertilized egg which now marks the beginning of personhood. That's right—life occurs from the moment of conception no less. As a person, that little egg is entitled to the same rights we are all guaranteed under the constitution—life, liberty, and property.
Messing around with it would be nothing short of murder. And the yolk, dear reader, would be on you. Spare us the bullshit how you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet. The law is the law in egg country.
What property exactly can the egg own? If by property we mean the potential person in the egg, that makes that person, property which is—the last time I looked—outlawed in the 14th amendment to our constitution. Liberty? Does the egg have the liberty to do whatever it wishes—can it, say, apply for a credit card; take out a mortgage…date eggs of a similar gender…or volunteer to fight in Afghanistan?
Forget these deep philosophic questions. There are deeper issues. Nothing against eggs and fetuses you understand, but their supporters missed out on the true beginning of life. According to our Hebraic forefathers, it all starts with the seed, and that’s what most in need of our protection.
Early rabbinical prohibitions recognized this by curbing behavior likely to lead to masturbation—the wasting of such seed—and the killing of all those future children.
Males were advised not to touch their penis while urinating (always a somewhat tricky proposition), wear tight pants, ride horseback, have lascivious daydreams or look at one’s own member or that of another. It was also recommended that young men sleep on their side rather than face up. With all these warnings and restrictions, is it any wonder that Jewish boys aren’t any good with their hands?
So if you really care about personhood and the beginning of life, it’s time you showed the sperm proper respect and give it the protection it deserves.
What's good for the fetus and the egg is good for the sperm.
Heed the chorus in Monty Python's Meaning of Life: "Every sperm is sacred/Every sperm is great/If a sperm is wasted/God is quite irate."
In a world drowning in doubt and self despair, man's woes ultimately show themselves as nothing more than a drop in the bucket.
The future of our civilization lies within our grasp. Hands off America!
Keep up to date on the latest and greatest research on sex as compiled by Dr. Bawdy, the world’s foremost authority on the topic (Says he).
The Jesus no one knows: Husband, Father, and Lover
Sh-hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!…
