Bawdy Language

Contrary to popular conception, there’s nothing new fangled about them. They’re as old as the hills, which is plenty fuckin’ old!

Dildos go back to Ancient times and women have been having good vibrations ever since the 19th century when they were introduced as a cure for hysteria. Doctors then loved administering a hands-on treatment which left their female patients exiting their office thoroughly a-tingle. Goodbye, hysteria. Hello big O!

And what of the other playthings in our play chest— penis pumps, cock rings, straps-ons and the like? Certainly these are products of our sex-saturated contemporary brains. Wrong.

They too have a distinguished past. Many of our beloved modern sex toys have actually been around for eons, pleasuring humanity for over two thousand years. Check out some of these sex toys and their long, sordid history. A great big hand – and why not?—that’s often all it took. for our kinky ancestors and the perverts of the past. Hats off to them for their twisted ingenuity.

Cock-a-doodle do:

“Why don’t you give me a ring sometime?” It’s an expression that could well have been first spoken in Ancient China. They weren’t, however, talking about phones then. The ring they, mostly the Chinese women, had in mind was a cock ring.

Never one to appear soft on his enemies or his lovers, the Chinese man of the Jin Dynasty opted to wrap his willy tight, giving him a harder and longer lasting erection. And what did they use to make it happen — but goat’s eyelids and eye lashes.. After acquiring the eyeball covering, they would take the skin and wrap it tightly around the base of the cock, causing the same effect of today’s modern cock ring. Later, the goat’s eyelids would be exchanged for jade and stone. It all makes the silicone, metal and leather options we have now. sound pretty unsexy.

Ben Wa Balls:

You have to have balls to succeed sexually in today’s world. Love balls, geisha balls, vagina balls, orgasm balls whatever, these little balls can be referred to in a plethora of ways, but at the end of the day, their true name is Ben Wa Balls and while they have become increasingly popular due to their “tightening” effects, Ben Wa Balls are actually very old and were originally made with men in mind.

Things first got rolling with Ben Wa Balls in Japan in 500 AD. Men weren’t pleased with their level of pleasure during sex and wanted to get more out of it. As such, they created a metal ball that would be inserted into the vagina during sex. It would then roll around inside as they pumped away. Naturally, the women on the receiving end realized that this was pleasurable for them as well and bam, they went from one ball to two and three balls strong together by silk. Nowadays, you can find Ben Wa Balls in metal, glass, silicone and plastic. They typically come in pairs and are far more angled at women than men.

Penis Enlargers:

It’s late night, you’re skimming your spam filter on your email and there it is, the answer to all of your penile problems. The one magic pill, prop and surgery to give you the throbbing member you’ve been after since you turned 13. The faithful Penis Enlarger. Much like you would think, men have been concerned with their size since they looked down and realize it could get hard. Because of this, a means to getting a larger penis became a top priority and the men of India wasted no time figuring out how to do it.

In 1700 BC, Vatsyayana, a Hindu philosopher, wrote the Kama Sutra, a book of sexual positions and practices that we still use and refer to today. But beyond the positions was the suggestion that men should be concerned with their penis size and the way it pleasures their women. As a result, they should consider wearing a penis extender during intercourse, especially if they have impotence issues or a wife with an extra large vagina (it’s always the woman’s fault). You can also view this invention/suggestion as the original strap on as well.

So there you are—a quick tour through the toy store. Enjoy!

Historically that takes us full circle back to the beginning and Adam and Eve.

Enjoy new Bawdy Crossword every Monday.

Behind every pair of breasts there  was a man.  It was men who set  the  standards for the  Breast Betterment League  and  determined  when  a  pair  was  ready  to  face  the  world.  They  described women  who qualified as well developed (19thC), (well) stacked (mid 20thC), (well) endowed or zaftig (20thC, Yiddish  for “juicy, luscious, overweight in the right places”). Later, they said a woman was  well built.  The  phrase originated in the  1930s,  a time  when many  a  public  bathrooms was  going  up,  especially in  parks  and recreation areas, as part  of the WPA. Given  men’s  way with words (especially about women)  and  the  pleasure they  take  in the  bathroom  and  bathroom phrases, it was  only  natural that  they’d  link her architecture to that  of the the privies of the time which  were of truly  solid  construction. Hence the  ultimate tribute, built  like  a brick  shithouse (20thC). What finer compliment could  a woman hope  for?

Literate   men,   however,  would   have   little  to  do  with  such phrases, opting  instead for  more  gentile  expressions such   as buxom. Buxom derives  from the Old English  bouen,  “to bow,” and was once  an innocent word used  to describe a person of either  sex who was humble, submissive, obedient, tractable, and  easily bent—  qualities any  lord  would  be happy to find in his  peasants.

By the sixteenth century the word had  begun  to be applied specifically to a powerfully  built  female  field hand. It later  made  a quantum leap  to her appearance, and  today  refers to any woman with a shapely full-bosomed figure.

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Sexiest book ever? Try the Bible.   

It was especially easy to be intimate in the Old Testament. In those days all the more important people seemed to know each other. Of course Knowing a person was synonymous with fucking them, and the word was applied to both sexes. Men knew women, and women knew men. Later, we only had knowledge of a woman (c. 1425), where to know her was to love her. Knowing a man, however, came to count for very little, and self-knowledge, not at all. A little knowledge continued to be a very dangerous thing. We eventually gained carnal knowledge (c. 1686), from the Latin carnus, “meat,” which made it possible for us to know each other in the flesh, advanced students ostensibly being able to distinguish between eye of the round and chuck.

Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy

Enjoy new Bawdy Crossword every Monday.

It’s obviously time  to ask  for the  facilities, the  lavatory (or the abbreviated lav)—an old nineteenth-century word from the Latin lavatorium, “a place for washing.”  Hoping   to  disguise   your   mission,  you might  request the  place where you  cough (c.  1920).  Speaking more  directly,  the  shithouse  (19thC), the  can  (c.  1900),  or  the head. Why  the head, when  “tail” is more appropriate? It could  be from the  manner with  which  many  relate  to authority—a political statement of sorts.  Or,  as  is more  likely,  from  the  location of the ship’s facilities—in the “bulkhead.”

When all is said  and  done,  most  Americans need  room  to do it. Today’s  favorites  include washrooms (c. 1878),  bathrooms (c. 1850s),  from a time  when  the  necessary fixtures  joined  the  bath, and  powder-rooms. The  little girl’s  room  (c. 1940s)  is still with us today,  though its counterpart, the  little boy’s  room,  is seldom referred  to. Dual-room names continue to dominate the  landscape of restaurants nationwide: His  ’n’ Hers,  Gents and  Ladies, Gulls and  Buoys, Lads and  Lassies, and  Braves and  Squaws (Ugh!).

Many  prefer  the  restroom. But  if you  asked  for it in England, your  hosts  would  likely point  out  the  cloak-room or show  you  to the  bedroom. Perhaps you  thought yourself  couth by  not  asking for the  toilet (c.  1820s–30s), or one  of its  mutant off-spring  the toidy or  toy-toy  (20thC), but  the  toilet still  works  fine  there among  the  working-class.The toilet  derives  from  the  French toilette, the  diminutive of toile, the  cloth  once  covering  the  table  on which sat one’s preparations, making  it all very acceptable.

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It was easy for the Church to convince people that sex was a dirty business. Reinforced by the proximity of the sexual parts to, and their close association with, the process of elimination of waste, it was only a matter of time before sex came to be identified with the elimination process—a way of transferring from one individual to another such waste matter as may have accumulated in one’s body.

Inter faeces et urinem nascimur.
We are born between fees and urine.
—St. Augustine

Church authorities loved the image. It was perfect. Man eliminated into woman, and her vagina was the repository for his filth. This even sanctioned the role the prostitute played, likening her to a common sewer who helping carry away man’s garbage. Chaucer’s Parson wrote of whores “that must be likened to a common gong (a toilet) where men purged their ordure.”

The theme was picked up in the language. Especially popular during the 1930s was the practice of getting one’s ashes hauled.11 A not unnatural thing, for when fires are raging, ashes are the natural residue. Someone has to remove them. After all, neatness counts, even in sex. It’s another bond between sexual release and personal hygiene.

You’ll find variations of this in contemporary blues songs, with references to how my garbage can is overflowing and requests to please empty my trash. We speak of sex as easing oneself (20thC), and doing one’s business (20thC). Some even refer to it as number three (20thC), an apparent also-ran behind numbers one and two, pissing and shitting respectively.

Hundreds of years after Chaucer’s Parson, a boy in Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar described his first sexual experience with a whore being “as boring as going to the toilet.” Phillip Wylie in Opus 21 recounts how books of advice for young men attaining the age of desire sought to dissuade them from seeking the company of prostitutes. They employed not the toilet but the bathtub to make their point, asking indignantly, “Would you walk into a cheap hotel, find that the stranger before you had left the tub filled with dirty bath water, and immerse yourself in it?”

Sex is great, but it’s really difficult to keep it clean.

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Enjoy new Bawdy Crossword every Monday.

Let one and all know that the fly on the wall at the secret meeting between Putin and Obama was none other than yours truly, the honorable Celestial Bawdy. I am privileged to report that a key part of the recent agreement between the two leaders was a secret pact called “Macho is Mucho.” This secret pact centered on which of the two leaders had the most sexual charisma.

The one winning the contest would exercise leverage over the other when it came to determining the terms of the Syrian disarmament. After an arm wrestling challenge and a poker game, each had their penis assessed by an independent authority, the world-renowned penisologist, Dr. Hans On of the Viagra Institute in Oslo. After fully assessing all key factors, including length, girth, beauty marks, and precision of circumcision, he came to the conclusion that both pricks were equal in every important regard.

Dairy authority Dmitri Vasilovich was the judge of the man-boob evaluation. The results are still pending, but it appears that Putin is headed for a 32 C cup; having been inspired by a young lady who flashed him a few months ago in the Netherlands ( See picture). Independent evaluators from the UN are concerned that Putin secretly visited Silicon Valley last month for implants. Russian authorities deny this, calling such allegations “malicious slander characteristic of the flat-chested imperialists.”
Reports are now circulating that Putin has challenged Obama to a “Fuck-Off.” This is a Russian tradition dating back several hundred years in which contestants are dropped off in a whore house for 24 hours, given a box of condoms, a bottle of Evian and told to have sex with as many women in the house as possible in the course of one day. The one with the highest score wins. No to worry. Either way, the world gets fucked!

Signing off from Moscow, this is your official fly on the wall and the last word on sex wherever and whenever it is happening—the one, the only, Dr. Celestial Bawdy. Others may work for world peace, but it’s only I who truly know how to get a piece.

Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy – Bawdy News

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