I wish I was a diamond ring
Upon my Lulu’s hand
And every time she scratched her ass
I’d see the promised land.
—Anon., Lulu, 20thC
A Brown University medical sociologist reports that proctologists are commonly referred to in the profession as “Rear Admirals.” Coincidentally, Dr. Reinhold Aman, editor of Maledicta, noted that when former President Jimmy Carter was treated for a hemorrhoidal condition in 1978, the attending physician was Dr. William Lukash, a real Rear Admiral in the U.S. Navy.
Find more – Bawdy Language book
The Honorable John A. Boehner
United States House of Representatives
1011 Longworth House Office Building
Washington, D.C. 20515
Dear. Congressman Boehner;
I should like to begin this correspondence with a request. May I call you John? It would then appropriately make this a “Dear John” letter.
I am writing to commend you My Dear John, as well as your Republican cohorts on your brilliant strategy to defund Obamacare, shutdown the government, and use the debt-ceiling limit to gain concessions from the Democrats. It is a bold act of statesmanship and a brilliant political strategy. Congratulations on how well it is working.
What you have created is something much larger and more profound than political maneuvering. You have provided America and the world with a template for action in all fields of human endeavor.
Let me take a moment to introduce myself. I am one of the world’s foremost experts in sex and sexual language. People often turn to me with their sexual dilemmas. I am faced daily with hundreds of personal conundrums and often find myself struggling to provide these lost and tortured souls with guidance. Thanks to you and your colleagues, I now have an approach that will make my work much easier.
Consider the case of three young lovers: a woman and two men. For the sake of anonymity, let us call her Jane Roe. Jane had been wooed by two young suitors whom we will anonymously call “John Doe” and “Dill Doe.” Jane was torn between the two, and dated them both on and off over the past year. Each courted her in their fashion.
Over that time, John proved himself to be loyal, decent, honorable, warm, and decent. He was also rather nice looking, had a good sense of humor, a fine education, and a good job with a promising future. Dill was somewhat of a slob, ill-tempered, unfaithful, unemployed, not very bright, and drank to excess, during which time he was also prone to beat Jane. He was, however, quite well endowed, the possessor of a rather large penis.
After a year of dating the two, Jane came to the conclusion that John would make the better husband. The two then made plans for a wedding and a life together. Dill, however, was furious with her choice, unable to understand why she had chosen John over him. He insisted that she reverse her decision. He came to me for assistance.
Dill and I together came to the conclusion that Jane was ill-informed and not of sound mind when she chose John over him and she should immediately call the marriage off and return to Dill. There was simply no good reason for having chosen John. Just because John was a better human being and would make a much better husband was no reason for having selected him over Dill.
What does Dill want? Dill is not interested in marrying Jane. He simply does not want her to marry John—a not unreasonable request.
Under my advice, Dill took Jane’s father and mother on vacation to a special secluded and unspecified location from which they were unable to communicate with the outside world. He wrote Jane that unless the wedding was called off, he could not be responsible for their safety and well being, including their sexual sanctity. There was a possibility as well that their house might blow up in their absence.
All Dill wants of Jane is to talk with her privately about planning their life together and engage in a quickie. He will not release her parents until she stops the wedding and complies with his request. For some strange reason, she refuses to talk to Dill until he releases her parents. He has given her until Friday to comply.
Stay tuned, John—to see how well your template plays in making all our lives richer and fuller.
By the way, is your name pronounced “bayner” or “boner?” Either way, it’s now synonymous with standing firm.
Yours,
Dr. Celestial Bawdy, DFA, PHC, BO, LSMFT,
In 1918, a dancer sued the publisher of a journal for libel for an article linking her name with the heading, “Cult of the Clitoris.” The publisher’s defense rested on the assertion that she could not possibly been libeled in that no one knew what a clitoris was.
When the dancer herself was questioned whether she knew the term, she answered, “Yes but not particularly.” The author of the article swore he had tried to find a title “that would only be understood by those it should be understood by.” He added how he had telephoned a village doctor to whom he mentioned the word and was told that it “was a superficial organ that, when unduly excited or overdeveloped, possessed the most dreadful influence on any woman, that she would do the most extraordinary things,” adding how “an exaggerated clitoris might drive a woman to an elephant.”
A Doctor testifying on the publisher’s behalf said that he had shown the term to fifty or sixty friends, none of whom knew its meaning ( presumably most of these were fellow Doctors). He added,“ Of course clitoris is a Greek word; it is a medical term…nobody but a medical man or people interested in that kind of thing, would understand the term.” (Lucy Bland, ‘Trial by Sexology? Maud Allen, Salome, and the “Cult of the Clitoris Case” in Lucy Bland and Laura Doan, eds., Sexology in Culture: Labeling Bodies and Desires.)
Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy – http://bawdylanguage.com/blog
It wasn’t until 1971, in The Owl and the Pussycat that Barbara Streisand became the first female superstar to say fuck in a major motion picture. Off the set, however, its use was commonplace. During the filming of The Prince and the Showgirl (1957), Laurence Olivier chided Marilyn Monroe for constantly arriving late, asking her, “Why can’t you get here on time for fuck’s sake?” To which she replied, “Oh do they have that word in England too?”
Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy – http://bawdylanguage.com/blog
Quoth she, “What is this so still and warm?”
“Tis Ball, my nag, he will do you no harm.”
“But what is this hangs under his chin?”
“Tis his bag he puts his provender in.” Quoth he,
“What is this?” Quoth she,
“’Tis a well where Ball, your nag, can drink his fill.”
“But what if my nag should chance to fall in?”
“Catch hold of the grass that grows on the brim.”
“But what if the grass should chance to fail?”
“Shove him in by the head, pull him out by the tail”
—Thomas D’Urfey, “The Trooper,” in Songs of Wit and Mirth or Pills to Purge Melancholy, 1719
Read more from Dr. Bawdy’s likes
No need to search. You’ll find them (and put them) everywhere, including – well—the strangest (not really) of all places.
They’re nestled among the beauty products in drug stores, on major aisles of sex stores like Adam and Eve and dotted all over the internet, bringing them to your doorstep in that anonymous innocent looking package capable of deceiving even the most eagle-eyed postman and your neighborhood pastor — with but a few easy clicks.
The neat part about sex toys is that satisfaction is always guaranteed. If you’re not happy with them, you know what you can do with them — and that’s hardly a fall-back position.
They’re even making news. Yesterday’s sex toy is today’s headline. Well, not quite. This one happened in China last year.
ABC News reported that a sex toy was confused for a mushroom in the Chinese village of Liucunbu, outside the city of Xi’an. When villagers drilling a well shaft found the object, they called a local TV station, which sent over a reporter to cover the discovery. They thought they had discovered a rare fungus.
“It has an eye and a nose, but we don’t know what it is,” one of the villagers tells the Chinese reporter, according to an English translation from ABC. But this was no miraculous mushroom. Several viewers pointed out the mysterious object was actually an artificial vagina — a sex toy – The Chinese newspaper, The Mirror reports.
“Ignorance is horrible.” How can the reporter mistake a sex toy for fungus?” one viewer commented on his Weibo microblog, according to the Mirror.
The station responded by essentially throwing their reporters under the bus, saying they were “young and unfamiliar with worldly affairs.” But it couldn’t have been all the reporters’ fault.
The reporter most certainly had a crew, an editor, a producer and others involved in the story—this was not rogue sex toy confusion….Magic mushroom, indeed!
