- Darken the room. Close your eyes. Sex between people over 90 ain’t pretty.
- Dress is critical; flannel, de rigueur. Avoid nightgowns or pajamas with Hello Kitty on them.
- Remove your dentures. This can keep you from accidentally swallowing them during a critical moment or having them inadvertently slip out and attach themselves to an embarrassing part belonging to your partner.
- Have a feather duster nearby to clean away assorted cobwebs and dust which have accumulated since you last had sex.
- Put an LP of patriotic music on your record player. Turn up to full volume. This is a sure way to get the attention of long dormant organs. “Wake up, wake up, you sleepy head.”
- Remove all IV tubes, lest your partner get the wrong idea.
- Use a fine lubricant. Have you considered axle grease?
- Let it all hang out. (It probably will anyway.)
- Avoid positions such as 69 or reduce them proportionately to the age of the practitioners. 33 1/3 rpm might work better for you.
- Do not light up after sex, especially if your oxygen tanks are nearby.
- Be brave. Forget about death. You could be coming and going at the same time. Such a deal!
- Now that you are no longer a first-timer, consider taking up swinging.
- Condoms? You never know. Child-support can be a bitch at any age.
Looking for more sound advice? Dr. Write Dr. Bawdy with your problems. Bawdy is the world's foremost authority on sex—says he.
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