Dear Dr. Bawdy,
I’m beside myself with fear and confusion. My daughter has developed a passionate interest in theater and become sexually involved with an actress from Beirut.
I wasn’t born yesterday and know how those Lebanese are with their butch haircuts and flat chests—out to convert innocent girls like my daughter to their sexual orientation.
I asked my priest who says it’s all part of a larger terrorist plot to subvert America from the bottom up. What shall I do?
Dear Confused Fear Monger,
You have a serious gap in your venereal vocabulary. I strongly suggest that you bone up on (please pardon the expression) the L word. Carefully read the Good Book (You certainly know of what I speak, there being, after all, only one), especially the chapters on The Gender Gap, Let Me Count the Ways, and One of a Kind. Study and master the principles contained therein and before you can say, “dyke,” you will have attained same-sex nirvana.
As to the girls’ perverted interest in theater-not to worry-it’s nothing more than a couple of aspiring thespians doing their thing.
Meanwhile, tell your priest not to get his cassock in a twist over it. Suggest a friendly chat with his favorite altar boy for a fresh perspective on things.
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