Bawdy Language

A sexual reference book like no other
Everything you always wanted to do but were afraid to say

Dr. Bawdy's counseling is wholly provided for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for qualified medical advice from a licensed healthcare professional. If you're dumb enough to take it, you'll just have to suffer the consequences.

Side effects may include bloated retina, collapsed vagina, anal rash, nasal drip, and double vision. Contact an emergency room psychologist for an erection lasting longer than 20 seconds.

Any further questions regarding individual circumstances should be directed towards your general practitioner/pharmacist/veterinarian. As to any contemplated legal action, tell your lawyer that Dr. Bawdy says he should simply "Fuck off!"

Dear Dr. Bawdy,

I’m beside myself with fear and confusion. My daughter has developed a passionate interest in theater and become sexually involved with an actress from Beirut.

I wasn’t born yesterday and know how those Lebanese are with their butch haircuts and flat chests—out to convert innocent girls like my daughter to their sexual orientation.

I asked my priest who says it’s all part of a larger terrorist plot to subvert America from the bottom up. What shall I do?

— Confused Fear Monger, San Diego
doctor Bawdy advice

Dear Confused Fear Monger,

You have a serious gap in your venereal vocabulary. I strongly suggest that you bone up on (please pardon the expression) the L word. Carefully read the Good Book (You certainly know of what I speak, there being, after all, only one), especially the chapters on The Gender Gap, Let Me Count the Ways, and One of a Kind. Study and master the principles contained therein and before you can say, “dyke,” you will have attained same-sex nirvana.

As to the girls’ perverted interest in theater-not to worry-it’s nothing more than a couple of aspiring thespians doing their thing.

Meanwhile, tell your priest not to get his cassock in a twist over it. Suggest a friendly chat with his favorite altar boy for a fresh perspective on things.

Looking for more sound advice? Dr. Write Dr. Bawdy with your problems. Bawdy is the world's foremost authority on sex—says he.

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