Source: The Journal of Articulation, April 22, 2012, pp 64-69. “Yodeling in the Gulley: Unanticipated Benefits,” Study Subjects: 25 Congressional Orators, 25 Hip-Hop Singers, 25 Yentas, 25 ladies singing…and a partridge in a pear tree.
Research Materials and Measurements: Articulation Index, Conversation Quotient, Chatter algorithm, Sneed’s Tongue length and flexibility index.
Statistically Significant Findings: Those who engage in oral sex 10 or more times weekly show an increases in vocal timber (Able to go two octaves above what they previously could; a 75% increase in their use of complete sentences ( both a subject and verb); a reduction in grammatical errors by 38%. Friendships increased by 22%
Source: The 7-Eleven Chronicle, July 17, 2012, pp 324-367, “Drink to me only,” Principal Investigator: Dr. Apu Nahasapemapedela, Springfield University.
Study Subjects: middle-aged workers from Springfield Nuclear Power Plant and teenagers from various and sundry hangouts around town. Study site: Kwik-E-Mart.
Study materials: 75 Gallons of Slurpees, assorted flavors, 100 dozen 64 ounce containers. Study tools: slurpee count-meter, internet porn, yardstick from Ace Hardware, and sordid backroom.
Statistically Significant Results: Penis size increased 1mm for every 525 64 oz containers drunk. Note: No variation in size based on flavor.
XTRA: See average international penis size and IQ correlation
Source: The Journal of Delay and Obfuscation, August 25, 2012, pp 234-247. “Coming and Going,” Dr. Johannes Sturm and Dr. Sigmund Drang, University of Frankfurt mit Relish.
Study subjects: 25 wranglers fast on the draw and 25 office workers with a reputation for delay, all matched with each other’s wives and girl friends. Women supplied with stop watch and cum-meter.
All events taped and evaluated by independent third party from Price Waterhouse.
Statistically Significant Results: Desultory and delaying at work, faster active in bed; slower and more deliberative in bed, faster on task completion on the job.
Source: Street-Walkers Monthly, May 18, 2012, pp 69-69. “The Price is Right.” “Dr. Lucy Poontang, Perverse U, July28, 2012, Study subjects: 25 ladies of the night, 25 congressmen.
Measurements: Cum quotient, salivary gland secretions, incidence and frequency of ear-ringing.
Statistically significant result: For every ten dollars spent, men’s sexual pleasure increased one kumquat (The Journal of Statistics standard for measurement of pleasure)
Source: The Women’s Sartorial Guide to Sex, June 21, 2012, pp21-25, “A Real Bust?” Dr. Erin Bazooms, Zaftig U.
Study Subjects: 25 pole dancers and young starlets, 25 middle aged men.
Research tools and measurements: journals, sexual partners’ evaluations, ruler measurements of penile length and depth of penetration, baking thermometers, moistness quotient of vaginal area gauged by dew-meters.
Source: The Chronicle of Higher Math and Lower Sex, “Here’s Looking at You Kid,” May 22, 2012, pp 327-341. Principal Investigator: Dr. Samuel X. Rhombus, Tumescent State U. Study subjects: 1,000,267 men under surveillance at 527,600 random locations.
Measurements: the Schwanz psychometric spatial reasoning and Schlong mathematical reasoning tests. Significant Results: Men afterwards were able to multiply as high as 32C. Additional Note: Single-blind only. Researchers were unable to find men who did not stare at women’s breasts.
Source: Podiatria: The Journal of Foot Fetishism, “Toeing the line vs. the Meanest Cut,” Aug.1, 2012, pp 49-59, Dr. Sterling Arches, Scholl College. Study Subjects: 45 men with pigeon-toes, 45 with chicken-toes.
Research tools: Observation and evaluation by trained mohels from the Jewish Orthodox and Muslim communities—two independent observations per penis, utilizing a blinding peephole.
Source: The International Quarterly of Sexual Cosmetology, “Cold Cuts,” May 31, 2012, pp 12-19, Dr. Renee Merkin and Dr. Rene Merkin, University of Je Ne Sais Quoi. Study Subjects: 25 shaven women, 25 fur bearers. Research tools and measurements: thermometer readings, journals, volunteer barbers, and sexual partners’ evaluations.
Source: The Journal of Nasal Congestion, July 21, 2012, pp 112-127, “The Nose Knows,” Dr. Heinrich Putz, University of Schvitzgarten. Study Subjects: fifty inveterate nose-pickers, fifty Kleenex aficionados. Research tools and measurement: journals, pornography, incidence, number of boogers and pages stuck together.
