Bawdy Language

Dear Dr. Bawdy,

My husband and I are severe Republicans who simply adore Mitt Romney. We are looking to find ways to express our support for him sexually. Do you have any suggestions?

Dear Yes We Can,

I love your positive attitude. It’s the mind-set that has made America special. Obama may have his auto bailout. But Republicans have auto-eroticism. And its centerpiece is the woman. This is after all, the year of the woman for the party.

Let the partying begin! Start the proceeding with a little foreplay doggy style. Then have your husband tie you securely to the top of the car, hop back in and proceed to floor it, hitting high speeds until you have achieved orgasm. Indicate same with a high piercing scream, hopefully heard above the din of the traffic.

After-play is important. He should lower you down from the roof and hose you down. Affectionate petting is also recommended. He should reward any cooing with a 64 oz. slurpy of your choice at the nearest Seven Eleven.

One caveat: Do not attempt this with lesser brands of vehicles. Lexus suggested, Cadillac Escalade is acceptable in a pinch. No hybrids, electric cars or other gimmicks.

Dear Dr. Bawdy,

I’m beside myself with fear and confusion. My daughter has developed a passionate interest in theater and become sexually involved with an actress from Beirut.

I wasn’t born yesterday and know how those Lebanese are with their butch haircuts and flat chests—out to convert innocent girls like my daughter to their sexual orientation.

I asked my priest who says it’s all part of a larger terrorist plot to subvert America from the bottom up. What shall I do?

Dear Confused Fear Monger,

You have a serious gap in your venereal vocabulary. I strongly suggest that you bone up on (please pardon the expression) the L word. Carefully read the Good Book (You certainly know of what I speak, there being, after all, only one), especially the chapters on The Gender Gap, Let Me Count the Ways, and One of a Kind. Study and master the principles contained therein and before you can say, “dyke,” you will have attained same-sex nirvana.

As to the girls’ perverted interest in theater-not to worry-it’s nothing more than a couple of aspiring thespians doing their thing.

Meanwhile, tell your priest not to get his cassock in a twist over it. Suggest a friendly chat with his favorite altar boy for a fresh perspective on things.