Archive for June, 2013
Dear Dr. Bawdy,
I recently saw an ad on Craigslist looking for a FWB. I asked my wife what that meant. She shrugged her shoulders and mumbled something about a “Friend with benefits.” She didn’t say much more; finished washing the dinner dishes, opened a box of diet chocolates, and sat down to watch Oprah.
Thought about it a while and decided it sounded like a neat arrangement.
I’ve got lots of friends but I never received any benefits from them.
How exactly do I get a friend like that?
What exactly are the benefits? And what, if anything, do I have to do to receive them?
___ Friendly Guy, Whipsaw, AK
Dear Friendly Guy,
You ask very good questions. You must be a profound thinker.
There are two distinct types of FWB relationships. Type 1 is for kids in their teens, 20’s and 30s. Type 2, for those over 40 and who should know better. Type 1 entails just fucking around; letting the hormones do their thing and letting the good times roll. It’s also called “hooking up,” “booty calls,” “NSA” (no strings attached), and “casual sex.”
Sex for kids is a fun workout of sorts—and has absolutely nothing to do with long-range goals or commitments. At that age, a good fuck buddy (Think exercise partner at the gym) or playing nimble fingers in the privacy of your room should meet your basic needs.
FWB for those over 40 is something altogether different. Your situation fits Type 2. Type 2 Friendship is more like a business proposition. Each party brings something concrete to the relationship and in turn, gets something back.
___ Celestial Bawdy
Example of a Happy Type 2 FWB Relationship
Dear Dr. Bawdy,
I asked my wife to tell me more, but she was busy doing her toenails and couldn’t be bothered. I tried the Google thing but wasn’t quite sure where to put the questions into the internet tube. Could you please help me out?
Do the benefits include healthcare? I need new dentures. Are they included under the coverage?
___ Friendly Guy
Dear Friendly Guy,
Let me be as blunt as possible. You pay the woman money (or take her out, go on vacation with her, or buy her whatever tickles her fancy). This makes you her friend. She then spreads her legs for you, and showers you with other sexual goodies.
___ Celestial Bawdy
Dear Dr. Bawdy,
I thought that was like a sex slave kind of thing, and isn’t that illegal? I always obey the law, especially at intersections and would never even jay-walk.
___ Friendly Guy
Only in your Dreams
Dear Friendly Guy,
That’s harsh. Wash your mouth out! A good female friend is different—she’s selective about her customers—I mean, friends–and besides, she usually limits the number to just one or two.
What’s the big deal, anyway? All sex is nothing more than a transaction. You support your wife and she has sex with you to show her appreciation. You get anal sex. She gets new drapes for the living room. That’s why they’re called “sexual favors.” You do a favor for her, and she does one for you in return.
Think of your new friend as a wife of sorts, but with none of the fuss and bother associated with marriage. You don’t have to go shopping with her, carry out the garbage, or make believe you are actually interested in her or her hair-brained ideas. If you’re single, you can stay that way and not worry about ever having to make a commitment to either her or to yourself.
The best part of FWB relationships is that they don’t last. They’re like Kleenex—when things get too messy—you simply dispose of it.… Now I ask you, does it get any better than that?
___ Celestial Bawdy
Up, Up, and Away
Dear Dr. Bawdy,
Where do I sign up?
___ Friendly Guy
PS
By the way, you never answered my question about whether the benefits include coverage for my dentures. And, how many weeks paid vacation do I get, and what about maternity leave? Is this like Obama-Care? I hate Obama. If he has anything to do with this, count me out.
Dear Friendly Guy,
It depends on how much you’ve paid into the plan. The benefits generally always come as surprise to both parties. Try it… You’ll like it. Not to worry about Obama. FWB has been endorsed by the Tea Party.
___ Celestial Bawdy
Dear Dr. Bawdy,
Wow! That is so neat. I’m gonna tell my wife about this. I’m sure she’d like to try this too.
___ Friendly Guy
Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy – http://bawdylanguage.com/blog
Okuizumo , a smalltown in western Shimane prefecture received five-metre (16-foot) replicas of David and of Greek treasure the Venus de Milo, as donations from a businessman from the area.
The two statues, however, have unnerved residents, with some calling for the naked masterpiece to be given underpants.
The statues were put up in a large public park that also includes a full-size running track, a baseball stadium, tennis courts, a mountain bike course and a play area for children.
“Some people have told the town’s legislators that toddlers are afraid of the statues because they are so big and they appeared unexpectedly over the summer,” noted town official Yoji Morinaga.“They are statues of unclothed humans, and such pieces of art work are very rare in our area. Some people apparently said the statues might not be good for their children,” he said.
While many locals have welcomed the new cultural additions to the mountainside town of fewer than 15,000 residents, some have asked for David to wear underwear to preserve his modesty, the Yomiuri Shimbun said.
“It is the first time we have had anything like this in our town. Perhaps people were perplexed,” Morinaga said.
Could a bra also be in the offing for Venus? You never know.
Been there… done that. Shades of John Ashcroft who as Attorney General under George W. Bush draped the figure of The Spirit of Justice to block its viewing.
Is it wrong for statues to be nude? Join the idiotic debate here: http://idebate.org/discussions/philosophy-and-religion/it-wrong-statues-be-nude
Dr. Bawdy today salutes whistle-blower Edward Snowden. One can only wonder as to the many millions of governmental email interceptions he had to go through, before he stumbled upon this nugget of wisdom which he was kind enough to share with the world. It seems to be original with him however, not something our government practices.
“Go to your nearest Krispy Kreme Drive-thru,” he wrote. “Pick up one of the warm ‘fresh of the line’ ones and go put them on your nightstand. You have not lived until you’ve rolled over to post-coital Krispy Kremes. That’s what being an American is all about. I recommend them. “
Notice he said, “post coital,’ for those of you unfamiliar with “Bawdy Language,” “post coital” means “after having fucked.” You aren’t so naïve as to believe the holes in those donuts just magically appeared there…or are you?
We owe Snowden a deep sense of gratitude. He appears to have finally located the source of American exceptionalism—that which separates us from the rest of the world. Post coital krispy Kremes. What does the rest of the world put on their nightstand? You might wonder. Does anyone really give a fuck? Cold lasagna in Italy? Day-old borscht in Russia? Slimy sushi from Japan? Krispy Kremes—only in America! Fuck yes!
Stand by Snowden in defense of our basic liberties—freedom of speech, privacy, and the right to devour Krispy kremes after sex . But why stop there? Hmmmm—what about during sex? Consider the possibilities? As to the NSA, you know what they can do with their Krispy Kremes.
Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy – http://bawdylanguage.com/blog
