Bawdy Language

Dear Dr. Bawdy,

I’m beside myself with fear and confusion. My daughter has developed a passionate interest in theater and become sexually involved with an actress from Beirut.

I wasn’t born yesterday and know how those Lebanese are with their butch haircuts and flat chests—out to convert innocent girls like my daughter to their sexual orientation.

I asked my priest who says it’s all part of a larger terrorist plot to subvert America from the bottom up. What shall I do?

Dear Confused Fear Monger,

You have a serious gap in your venereal vocabulary. I strongly suggest that you bone up on (please pardon the expression) the L word. Carefully read the Good Book (You certainly know of what I speak, there being, after all, only one), especially the chapters on The Gender Gap, Let Me Count the Ways, and One of a Kind. Study and master the principles contained therein and before you can say, “dyke,” you will have attained same-sex nirvana.

As to the girls’ perverted interest in theater-not to worry-it’s nothing more than a couple of aspiring thespians doing their thing.

Meanwhile, tell your priest not to get his cassock in a twist over it. Suggest a friendly chat with his favorite altar boy for a fresh perspective on things.

Rape continues to be in the news lately. So it’s incumbent on us to say a few words about it.

Let’s begin with a few hard facts.

"Rape" is not very user-friendly. It’s not the kind of word you use in mixed conversation or bring home to mother. Though it is probably the most potent and incendiary of the four letter words, it has neither appeared on a list of banned words, nor has it ever been bleeped from the media. The Supreme Court has OK'd its use, even in a crowded theater.

It's also a rigid motherfucker — noncompliant to the whims of its user and highly inflexible in its meaning. It doesn't give the user much wiggle room in its employment. Like Horton, the word means what it says and says what it means.

Rape does not have any of the enterprising spirit or the freewheeling nature of, say, the word "fuck." Now that's a word that is not only incredibly pliant and playful but one with the ability to convey a variety of sentiments by a mere shift in intonation. Rape should only have it so good.

Fuck's Versatility:

I'll take fuck any day over rape. How better to describe the current discussion about rape, than "outfuckingrageous?"

Doctor C. Bawdy

Paparazzi recently took us on a trip down Mammary Lane, photographing Kate Middleton topless, thrusting the royal orbs into the public’s consciousness and providing us all with food for thought.

Ever quick to seize the moment, Dr.Bawdy joined forces with the British Dietary Council and dispatched their own photographer to the scene.

After untold hours of snooping and prying, they can now share with you, the public, the fruits (amongst other thing) of their labors, as they revealed themselves over several meals.

As you can see, Kate’s founts of nature are nothing less than a sight to feast upon and a visual commitment of people everywhere to a balanced diet.

A Rhode Island woman is facing charges for allegedly training her pet cockatoo to say curse words at her ex-husband and his girlfriend who live next door.

Lynne Taylor is set to appear in Warwick Municipal Court next week to defend herself against allegations that she violated a city animal noise ordinance by training the bird, Willy, to swear at her neighbors, Kathleen Melker and Craig Fontaine, according to the Boston Herald.

Melker argues that she is continuously called a “Fuckin’ whore” by the bird for up to 16 hours a day. She said the bird’s foul language has forced her and her lover to put their $332,000 home up for sale. We’re done,” Melker said. “We have no quality of life.”

The situation can only be described as “for the birds.” The cockatoo was only doing what birds have always done: engaging in — fowl language. Birds and cursing have always gone together, beginning with the Greco-Roman tradition of putting wings on the image of the phallus. — which also gave us the bird in 19th century England as a synonym for the penis. In Italian, “uccello” continues to have that same meaning.

Variations of flying penises can stil be found everywhere, especially on the crowded highways and byways of America where drivers regularly flip the bird to each other raising their middle finger in tribute to their driving ability.

Surpassing the cockatoo’s abilities is the (Southern or Wood) pecker, best known for its repeated rhythmic thrusts. Any surprise that it has achieved a fair amount of popular usage as a prick?

President Lyndon Johnson had a special fondness for the bird, his credo being “I never trust a man unless I got his pecker in my pocket.” Having possession of something that important and personal could only assure the man’s compliance. Certainly he could not stray very far under such circumstances.

Digressing back to the matter at hand, we are left to wonder in the case of the nattering cockatoo who has whose pecker in his pocket and who’s the real peckerhead here. Could it be the media which has covered the case as extensively as Watergate?

Time perhaps to take wing.

Sex can take many different turns. It can be a slight turn from the norm—a mere diversion (from the Latin di and vertere) or a complete u-turn (per) away from that which is normal, creating a perversion ( from per and vertere). Think you’d like a spot of perving (c.1925, Australia)? Fine. But only in moderation.

As Voltaire reminded us upon declining a second invitation to an orgy, "Once a philosopher, twice a pervert."

We heard recently of a spot (and spoof) of the sexual other: a young man in Arkansas who has an erotic thing about balloons. "Latex lunacy," you say. Hey, be not so quick to judge. Here's a guy who honestly loves balloons, and you're going to puncture his fantasy? That's cold!

If you think it's all just so much hot air, you wouldn’t be wrong. There's already a subset of such fetishists whose thing is inhaling the helium. Balloon purists, the pure cuddlers, are quick to dismiss these folks, noting how "they simply suck."

Whatever floats your balloon. Right? The big Balloon Fetish Convention is scheduled for October 31 at the Dirigible in Las Vegas. Feel free to float on in.

Dr CB