Henrik Runnel's moment in the sun, receiving a medal at the Olympics for rowing, was momentarily upended when his penis became erect during the award ceremonies. "Is that a medal in your pants or are you just happy to be receiving one?" an unnamed Olympics official queried? .
Henrik's rigorously denied the erection, though pictures proved to the contrary. Intrepid reporter that we are, we went directly to the source for an exclusive interview with his penis.
Dr. C.B.: Great to have you hear. Glad you could make it.
Penis: My pleasure. May I say hi to my Mom? …Hi Mom!
Dr. C.B.: Let’s get right to the point. Were you or were you not erect during the presentation?
Penis: Well, sort of…
Dr. C. B.: What do you mean sort of? Either you were or you weren’t.
Penis: Not true. There are varying degrees of tumescence.
Dr. C.B.: Where would you put it on a scale of 1-10?
Penis: An 8, somewhere between an adequate woodie and a profound steelie.
Dr. C.B.: And to what do you attribute its woody-steelyness?
Penis: There’s a natural urge to get up and out to join in the excitement, you know? Be part of the larger scene. And with everyone else coming to attention, I felt I should as well. It was after all a matter of great national pride. You know I have feelings too.
Dr. C.B.: How do you feel about your man denying that it happened. He is on record swearing you weren’t really erect, and that if you had been, he would have covered you with his flowers.
Penis: He’s in denial. Flowers would have been the ultimate insult. Having an erection is not a fucking funeral. I am his manhood and he should stand by me as I stand by him.
Dr. C.B.: And what do you make of his blaming it on the spandex?
Penis: Spandex, schmandex. Man, agreed it’s the pits down there, dark, snug, hot, and uncomfortable tucked away so tightly you can’t even move. There is a natural inclination to expand one’s presence, but you can only stretch the spandex argument so far. We’re both responsible for what happened and he more than I. Though I occasionally have a mind of my own, he’s got to take some of the responsibility.
Dr. C.B.: Do you have any personal dreams or aspirations you’d care to share with our readers?
Penis: I dreamt that one day I’d have my own day in the sun, standing on the podium alone at full attention with the gold draped around my neck, Henrik by my side smiling his approval and later embracing me, the crowd going mad, expressing its affection and approval of us both.
Dr. C.B.: What’s next in your life?
Penis: I’ve got a scheduled visit on the View, an interview with Letterman, a trip to Disneyland, and a bikini wax.
Dr. C.B.: Busy, busy, busy….Any regrets?
Penis: I hope that next time, that I can play an active part at a larger coming-out party. It’s pretty tough slumbering in the obscurity of the crotch, called on only when the things get heavy. Try it sometime, and you’ll know what I mean.
Dr. C.B.: Thank you for taking the time to visit with us. I really appreciate your candor. If I may say it, you’re a real stand-up kind of guy!
Penis: Thank you. See you around.
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