Bawdy Language

A sexual reference book like no other
Everything you always wanted to do but were afraid to say

Dr. Bawdy's counseling is wholly provided for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for qualified medical advice from a licensed healthcare professional. If you're dumb enough to take it, you'll just have to suffer the consequences.

Side effects may include bloated retina, collapsed vagina, anal rash, nasal drip, and double vision. Contact an emergency room psychologist for an erection lasting longer than 20 seconds.

Any further questions regarding individual circumstances should be directed towards your general practitioner/pharmacist/veterinarian. As to any contemplated legal action, tell your lawyer that Dr. Bawdy says he should simply "Fuck off!"

Dear Dr. Bawdy,
My wife and I haven’t done the deed in years. Memories of sex are beginning to fade fast. Not knowing what else to do, I asked my son to take me to a prostitute. He's agreed and I'm ready and rarin' to go.

Unfortunately, I don't know how to speak prostitute-ise. I feel like a visitor to a foreign country. Could you provide me with a few key phrases and tips for how I should express myself?

— Hung Up, Edina, MN

doctor Bawdy advicedoctor Bawdy advice

Dear Hung-Up,

The language is quite basic. You have simply to master the following:

"Leave it on top of the dresser."

"We take Visa, MC and Amex."

"Prices are subject to change without notice."

"We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone."

"You show me yours… "

"What’ll you have?"

"Do not try this at home."

And "That’ll be extra."

A proper response to any of the above should consist of no more than a simple snort or grunt of approval.

Do not ask, "How’s tricks?"

If she should inquire as to "Paper or plastic?" chances are, you are in the wrong place.

Looking for more sound advice? Write Dr. Bawdy with your problems. Bawdy is the world's foremost authority on sex—says he.

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