Joan Rivers was arrested today after having chained herself to a shopping cart at Costco in protest for not carrying her book with “inappropriate” wording on the back cover.
Interestingly, all the major media reported the story, but none ever got around to telling its readers exactly what on that back cover was so offensive as to cause Costco to ban the entire book. Well, when all else fails, you know you can always get the straight fucking poop here. So here’s the poop on the book. Drum rolls please:
There were two blurbs which were deemed particularly incendiary: "Wilt Chamberlain: 'Even if I were alive I wouldn't fuck her.'" And “Marie Antoinette: 'I don’t like her. Let her eat shit.'"
As every athletic supporter knows, Wilt Chamberlain (August 21, 1936 — October 12, 1999) is a Hall-of-Fame NBA player. He is famous for scoring 100 points in a single game, and infamous for scoring with women. His autobiography calculated that he’d slept with over 20,000 women, noting how "the point of using the number was to show that sex was a great part of my life as basketball was."
Clearly, the man never saw a pussy he didn’t like — until Joan’s.
As for French princess Marie Antoinette, she allegedly responded to her starving citizens' plea for bread with: "Let them eat cake." Actually it was brioche, also enriched with butter and eggs, as opposed to ordinary bread, thus underscoring the princess's obliviousness to the condition of her people and inciting the French Revolution and Marie's beheading.
Though there's a striking resemblance between the Joan and Marie (apart from a face-lift or two), and being about the same age, little is known about their relationship. The comment telling Joan to "eat shit" is, however, not at all au courant with the standard diet of the people of France (Fact-Check).
To assist book lovers everywhere and help expedite a peaceful settlement between Joan and Costco, we have rewritten the back cover in more genteel terms, hoping that Costco will reconsider its ill thought-out decision:
— Wilt Chamberlain:
I’ve never liked Joan, even when I saw her at court. The years, however, have not been kind to her. She looks wan and underweight. I suggest she take up coprophagia. Hey, if it was good enough for Bloom in Ulysses and Hitler*, it’s good enough for her. They’re meant for each other. Neither she nor the item to be partaken are considered to be in good taste.
— Marie Antoinette:
*To learn more about the coprophagic diet, turn to Bawdy Language (Book of the Toilette: Falling Behind). Warning: This is an unabashed plug for the book.
Dr. CB
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