As you know, the steamiest, sexiest, and most provocative scenes in our movies all end up on the editorial floor. And guess who just happens to be there to pick up this salacious material and to reveal its contents to the public.
The intrepid Dr. Bawdy, ever the sleuth and erstwhile public servant, today revealed the outtakes from the best picture nominations for the Academy Awards. In a first—a scoop that beat all the major media and other independent bloggers, Bawdy revealed what all America will be missing at both their theaters and the Award ceremony.
Amour: Sex amidst the clutter of walkers, dentures, and empty boxes of laxatives—passion as old as the hills rising as slowly as a centenarian’s you know what, flowing as freely as a constricted urinary tract. If you’ll pardon their French, beneath the rubble, you’ll find French kisses, French ticklers, and French fries, as well as boblos (large, fat drooping boobs),
Argo: Excised scenes of Iranian officials cursing in Farsi, likening the American escape to forced anal sex (for those unfamiliar with the practice, that’s taking it up the ass).
Django Unchained: Infamous basterds doing it on the run, featuring B&D with lots of chains and whips, all in living color, i.e. black and white.
Les Miserables: “How revolting can it get?” Les Miz, uncut, pushes the envelope of restraint to the point of tearing it wide open. In their passionate commitment to authenticity, the film foregoes simulation for the real thing. Bulemics going down for a piece of bread, creative use of candlesticks, and orgasms at the guillotine,
Beasts of the Southern Wild: Sex in the bathtub. The penultimate blow job, inspired by—what else—the hurricane—filled with gangs of swingers black and white engaged in a wild orgy featuring wile and erotic play using the amazingly versatile crayfish deployed in strange places, doing even stranger things.
Life of Pi: Pussy writ large. The ups and downs of bestiality
Silver Linings Playbook: The sexual virtuosity of bipolarity. If you can believe the film, it’s at least, twice as good as normal.
Zero Dark Thirty: The joys of sexual climax while being water-boarded. You’ll be talking about it for years (no matter how much the CIA denies it).
Lincoln: Candid footage of Abe and Mary Todd, forming a more perfect union. Abe performing oral sex with his stove pipe hat on; Mary assuming the superior position atop our revered president; Abe shouting, “I am your slave,” while reciting the Gettysburg Address silently so as to maintain his restraint; finally screaming, “Emancipation!” Mary screaming, “Free at last. And if we hurry, it’s still not too late to make it to the theater.”
The Winner of the Bawdy Golden Penis Award (Drum Roll please) is…
Long and Sustained applause.
Eat your heart out Doris Kearns Goodwin.
Leave a Reply