Bawdy Language

A sexual reference book like no other
Everything you always wanted to do but were afraid to say

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Archive for February, 2013


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By Dr. Celestial Bawdy

Reporting from Washington

Joe Schmutz Jr, Fist Master and President of the APA (American Penis association) today warned Congress, the President, and the American People to halt their efforts to set controls on the use of penises in America. “The right of every man to full use of his penis is guaranteed under the constitution,” he argued. “The penis is as American as apple pie. Any effort to restrain its use is nothing short of treason.” If you want to curb, indiscriminate use of the penis, start with Hollywood or porn on the internet. But hands off my penis!”

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Proponents of penis control disputed the assertion. As Emily Castrato, President of “A World free of Penises” noted, “We are not talking about banning penises completely, but putting in place some reasonable restrictions that would provide a line of defense against gang bangs, rapes, and men making unreasonable demands on women—what goes beyond what most people consider reasonable use of the organ.”

“From time immemorial the single shot penis has been traditional. Women have long accepted this as the norm. The semi-automatic penis has no place in the world of relationships. Penises that don’t need reloading aren’t meant for loving or sport. They are specifically designed to do as much damage as possible to the human body. No one really needs or wants an erection that last more than four hours.”

The agenda of the penis control lobby also insists that every penis be registered and careful records kept, arguing how there are certain people, namely felons and those with mental illness, who should not be allowed access to their penis, and should not be allowed to purchase performance enhancing drugs.

The case was cogently set forth by Carolyn Clitoriski, Chairwoman of “Penis Propriety:” “We require people to take three tests to get a driver’s license, so I’m not sure why increased scrutiny for use of one’s penis is so controversial. Don’t we want to keep penises out of the hands of the mentally ill and those with criminal records? Don’t we want a system that makes it as easy as possible for pharmacists to identify these classes of individuals to deny them semi-automatic capability by outlawing or placing curbs on sales of testosterone and drugs such as Viagara?. Pumped up men and penises have no place in this world, said she. Look at what they have brought in their wake.”

This was disputed by Schmutz, who stood at the mike screaming at a recent press conference, brandishing a bouquet of dildos in his fist: “It’s nothing but penis envy. Sissies and women—that’s who are arrayed against us. Remember, we are more than just a bunch of random pricks.. We truly stand for something. We are America’s manhood. Without us there would be no Iraqs, no Afghanistans—no Monday night football. The penis is at the heart of our nation’s greatness. Do not forget that for a moment.

“Taking my penis is the first step to taking away my freedom. Just try! “You can have my penis, but you’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.”

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