A few years ago a story made the rounds of a young woman in a bikini who was bathing in the surf when a particularly violent wave hit her and swept off the top of her bathing suit.
To avoid embarrassment, she embraced her nakedness with both arms.
As she was making her way to shore, a young boy stopped her and innocently inquired, “Lady, those sure are cute little puppies. You suppose I could have the one with the pink nose?”
According to Wickipedia, St. Priapus Church (French: Église S. Priape) is a North American religion founded in the 1980s that centers on the worship of the phallus. Founded in Montreal Quebec by D. F. Cassidy, the church has a following mainly among gay men in Canada and the United States.
The church, which is named after the Greek god Priapus, teaches that the phallus is the source of life, beauty, joy, and pleasure.The phallus is to be worshipped through a variety of sexual acts, including group masturbation. Semenis also treated with reverence and its consumption is an act of worship.
Priapus
That’s not apparently what the Christian Science Church in Dixon Illinois had in mind when it was recently renovated. It all looks pretty innocent at eye-level; the closer you get to heaven, however, (thanks to Google-Earth) the more is revealed its true essence.
Aerial View
The Church’s stated mission is about unconditional love, spiritual growth and healing based on the Bible, Christ Jesus’ teachings, and the writings of Mary Baker Eddy. Sexologists wonder, however, whether there’s more there than meets the eye. The Church’s motto is “Always Rising.” The sermon for November 7 was, “Who told you that you were naked?”
Ground View and Proposed solution on Church’s Facebook Page
It wasn’t until 1971, in The Owl and the Pussycat that Barbara Streisand became the first female superstar to say fuck in a major motion picture. Off the set, however, its use was commonplace. During the filming of The Prince and the Showgirl (1957), Laurence Olivier chided Marilyn Monroe for constantly arriving late, asking her, “Why can’t you get here on time for fuck’s sake?” To which she replied, “Oh do they have that word in England too?”
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Isn’t it awfully nice to have a penis
Isn’t it frightfully good to have it on Its swell to have a stiffy
It’s divine to own a dick
From the tiniest little tadger to the world’s biggest prick
So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake
Your piece of pork, your wife’s best friend, your passing or your cock
You can wrap it up in ribbons, you can stuff it in a sock
But don’t take it out in public or they’ll stick you in the dock
…And you won’t come back
—Sung by Eric Idle in Monty Python’s, The Meaning of Life (1983)
A Brown University medical sociologist reports that proctologists are commonly referred to in the profession as “Rear Admirals.” Coincidentally, Dr. Reinhold Aman, editor of Maledicta, noted that when former President Jimmy Carter was treated for a hemorrhoidal condition in 1978, the attending physician was Dr. William Lukash, a real Rear Admiral in the U.S. Navy.
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The Honorable John A. Boehner
United States House of Representatives
1011 Longworth House Office Building
Washington, D.C. 20515
Dear. Congressman Boehner;
I should like to begin this correspondence with a request. May I call you John? It would then appropriately make this a “Dear John” letter.
I am writing to commend you My Dear John, as well as your Republican cohorts on your brilliant strategy to defund Obamacare, shutdown the government, and use the debt-ceiling limit to gain concessions from the Democrats. It is a bold act of statesmanship and a brilliant political strategy. Congratulations on how well it is working.
What you have created is something much larger and more profound than political maneuvering. You have provided America and the world with a template for action in all fields of human endeavor.
Let me take a moment to introduce myself. I am one of the world’s foremost experts in sex and sexual language. People often turn to me with their sexual dilemmas. I am faced daily with hundreds of personal conundrums and often find myself struggling to provide these lost and tortured souls with guidance. Thanks to you and your colleagues, I now have an approach that will make my work much easier.
Consider the case of three young lovers: a woman and two men. For the sake of anonymity, let us call her Jane Roe. Jane had been wooed by two young suitors whom we will anonymously call “John Doe” and “Dill Doe.” Jane was torn between the two, and dated them both on and off over the past year. Each courted her in their fashion.
Over that time, John proved himself to be loyal, decent, honorable, warm, and decent. He was also rather nice looking, had a good sense of humor, a fine education, and a good job with a promising future. Dill was somewhat of a slob, ill-tempered, unfaithful, unemployed, not very bright, and drank to excess, during which time he was also prone to beat Jane. He was, however, quite well endowed, the possessor of a rather large penis.
After a year of dating the two, Jane came to the conclusion that John would make the better husband. The two then made plans for a wedding and a life together. Dill, however, was furious with her choice, unable to understand why she had chosen John over him. He insisted that she reverse her decision. He came to me for assistance.
Dill and I together came to the conclusion that Jane was ill-informed and not of sound mind when she chose John over him and she should immediately call the marriage off and return to Dill. There was simply no good reason for having chosen John. Just because John was a better human being and would make a much better husband was no reason for having selected him over Dill.
What does Dill want? Dill is not interested in marrying Jane. He simply does not want her to marry John—a not unreasonable request.
Under my advice, Dill took Jane’s father and mother on vacation to a special secluded and unspecified location from which they were unable to communicate with the outside world. He wrote Jane that unless the wedding was called off, he could not be responsible for their safety and well being, including their sexual sanctity. There was a possibility as well that their house might blow up in their absence.
All Dill wants of Jane is to talk with her privately about planning their life together and engage in a quickie. He will not release her parents until she stops the wedding and complies with his request. For some strange reason, she refuses to talk to Dill until he releases her parents. He has given her until Friday to comply.
Stay tuned, John—to see how well your template plays in making all our lives richer and fuller.
By the way, is your name pronounced “bayner” or “boner?” Either way, it’s now synonymous with standing firm.
Yours,
Dr. Celestial Bawdy, DFA, PHC, BO, LSMFT,
In 1918, a dancer sued the publisher of a journal for libel for an article linking her name with the heading, “Cult of the Clitoris.” The publisher’s defense rested on the assertion that she could not possibly been libeled in that no one knew what a clitoris was.
When the dancer herself was questioned whether she knew the term, she answered, “Yes but not particularly.” The author of the article swore he had tried to find a title “that would only be understood by those it should be understood by.” He added how he had telephoned a village doctor to whom he mentioned the word and was told that it “was a superficial organ that, when unduly excited or overdeveloped, possessed the most dreadful influence on any woman, that she would do the most extraordinary things,” adding how “an exaggerated clitoris might drive a woman to an elephant.”
A Doctor testifying on the publisher’s behalf said that he had shown the term to fifty or sixty friends, none of whom knew its meaning ( presumably most of these were fellow Doctors). He added,“ Of course clitoris is a Greek word; it is a medical term…nobody but a medical man or people interested in that kind of thing, would understand the term.” (Lucy Bland, ‘Trial by Sexology? Maud Allen, Salome, and the “Cult of the Clitoris Case” in Lucy Bland and Laura Doan, eds., Sexology in Culture: Labeling Bodies and Desires.)
Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy – http://bawdylanguage.com/blog
It wasn’t until 1971, in The Owl and the Pussycat that Barbara Streisand became the first female superstar to say fuck in a major motion picture. Off the set, however, its use was commonplace. During the filming of The Prince and the Showgirl (1957), Laurence Olivier chided Marilyn Monroe for constantly arriving late, asking her, “Why can’t you get here on time for fuck’s sake?” To which she replied, “Oh do they have that word in England too?”
Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy – http://bawdylanguage.com/blog
Let one and all know that the fly on the wall at the secret meeting between Putin and Obama was none other than yours truly, the honorable Celestial Bawdy. I am privileged to report that a key part of the recent agreement between the two leaders was a secret pact called “Macho is Mucho.” This secret pact centered on which of the two leaders had the most sexual charisma.
The one winning the contest would exercise leverage over the other when it came to determining the terms of the Syrian disarmament. After an arm wrestling challenge and a poker game, each had their penis assessed by an independent authority, the world-renowned penisologist, Dr. Hans On of the Viagra Institute in Oslo. After fully assessing all key factors, including length, girth, beauty marks, and precision of circumcision, he came to the conclusion that both pricks were equal in every important regard.
Dairy authority Dmitri Vasilovich was the judge of the man-boob evaluation. The results are still pending, but it appears that Putin is headed for a 32 C cup; having been inspired by a young lady who flashed him a few months ago in the Netherlands ( See picture). Independent evaluators from the UN are concerned that Putin secretly visited Silicon Valley last month for implants. Russian authorities deny this, calling such allegations “malicious slander characteristic of the flat-chested imperialists.”
Reports are now circulating that Putin has challenged Obama to a “Fuck-Off.” This is a Russian tradition dating back several hundred years in which contestants are dropped off in a whore house for 24 hours, given a box of condoms, a bottle of Evian and told to have sex with as many women in the house as possible in the course of one day. The one with the highest score wins. No to worry. Either way, the world gets fucked!
Signing off from Moscow, this is your official fly on the wall and the last word on sex wherever and whenever it is happening—the one, the only, Dr. Celestial Bawdy. Others may work for world peace, but it’s only I who truly know how to get a piece.
Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy – Bawdy News
1900
Shot by an anarchist while standing on a Brussels railway station, The Prince of Wales utters the immortal words, “Fuck it, I’ve taken a bullet.”
1936
Music hall comedian Hector Thaxter becomes the first man to say “Arse” on the radio.
1947
After cutting food rations as part of a new economic drive, Chancellor Hugh Dalton is accosted by a beggar in the street who says, “You bloody bastard! What am I meant to do, eat shit?”
1957
Interviewed live on BBC News, a British teddy boy is asked his opinion of Bill Haley. He replies, “Haley? I wouldn’t piss on him if he went up in flames. I’m an Elvis man meself.”
1965
Appearing on a late night live satire programme called BBC3, Kenneth Tynan becomes the first man to say “Fuck” on TV. A national fit of apoplexy follows with one Tory MP suggesting that Tynan should hang!
1967
After watching an episode of “Till Death Us Do Part” that includes 44 uses of the word “BLOODY”, Mary Whitehouse fumes, “This is the end of civilisation as we know it.”
1969
Buzz Aldrin becomes the first man to swear on the moon “Bloody hell,” he tells Neil Armstrong, “I’ve just taken a shit in my space suit.”
1972
Oxford English Dictionary includes the words “FUCK” and “CUNT” for the first time. The National Campaign for Real Swearing issues a statement which reads: “We’d be a bunch of lying cunts if we didn’t say that we were totally fucking delighted.”
1974
Originating from the Australian “Nasty as Fuck”, the word NAFF is introduced to the British public via Ronnie Barker in Porridge. As in “Naff off Godber!” However the expression looses its appeal when Princess Anne starts using it.
1976
On tour in Hong Kong and unaware that he is miked up, The Duke of Edinburgh tells a photographer “Fuck off or I’ll have you shot.”
The moral majority get into a proper old lather after Steve Jones of the Sex Pistols appears on live TV and calls presenter Bill Grundy “A fucking rotter”.
1979
A Bar steward at a Conservative Club in Middlesex is sacked after greeting a club member with the words, “All right, you fucking old bastard, we haven’t seen you for fucking ages!” He is later ruled to have been unfairly dismissed on the grounds that his words “were just a form of greeting”.
1982
British Leyland workers begin their so-called swearing strike after one of the top brass describes them as, “fucking bastards and fucking working-class pigs”.
1983
Jools Holland lets slip with the phrase “Groovy fuckers” on a live broadcast of The Tube and is suspended for six weeks.
A Pakistani umpire calls Mike Gatting “a fucking cheating bastard” during a Test Match.
1990
Female golfer Muffin Spencer-Devlin is banned from a top ladies tournament after calling officials, “A fucking bunch of incontinent wankers!”.
1991
Rev. Ian Gregory, secretary of The Polite Society, proposes that existing swear-words are banished and replaced with “nice words like ‘breadstick’ and ‘cotton socks’”. A spokesman for The National Campaign for Real Swearing responds by saying “The good reverend can go and fuck himself!”.
1993
Pete Sampras, the world’s top male tennis player, shouts at the Wimbledon crowd, “Thank you very much, you mother fuckers!”
A Briton in Saudi Arabia is sentenced to 40 lashes after telling a member of his staff to, “Stuff it up your fat arse you old wanker”.
Boston grunge band, The Anal Cunts, release their first single.
1995
Annoyed at the constant chattering of children during a performance of “Macbeth” at a Manchester theatre, actor Paul Higgins strides to the front of the stage and bellows, “Shut the fuck up or I’ll rip your fucking heads off!”
1996
Students hackers tinker with the digital storage system at Britain’s first talking bus stop in Leeds, with the result that a queue of passengers expecting a recorded timetable are greeted with the words, “Fuck off and walk you lazy bastards”.
1999
With the advent of Channel 4’s “Bremner, Bird, & Fortune” and “The Eleven O’clock Show”, all known swear words are finally used openly, in entertainment television.
The National Campaign For Real Swearing comments “About fucking time too!“
By Dr. Bawdy and Laughingpoliceman
Directly from the desk of Dr. Bawdy – http://bawdylanguage.com/blog
